Monthly Archives: August 2012









Not only has the computer managed to find the lost files, so I can use google chrome again, but this means I can post the photo of the scarf I was talking about yesterday.  Add this to a better night’s sleep, and it is time to hang out the bunting!

I am feeling a bit – well, odd is the best word I can come up with – about the fact that today is my last session of psychotherapy.  I’ve been going for two and three-quarter years now, almost every Thursday.  That’s a huge commitment of time, and I’ve built up some serious relationships – that’s bound to happen in a group where people are talking about their innermost selves.  I guess I am a bit worried that it will all go to hell in a handbasket when I leave, and I will find that I can’t keep my mood stable and content on my own.  And I know I am not completely well – there’s still a lot that I am struggling with – my weight, my lack of motivation to do anything, my tiredness and poor sleep patterns, and I am going to have to see if I can improve these on my own.

There is a safety net, of course – well, more than one, in fact.  If neccessary, the doctor could refer me back to the group psychotherapy, though I would go onto the waiting list again, and would join a different group, which would be a challenge.  And I could have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy privately, through N’s health insurance – and I might well do that in a couple of months time.  

However, given that in the past, I have felt that I’d never be leaving the group – I’d still be there on my zimmer frame, with my pension book in my pocket – it is actually a hugely Positive Thing that I have reached a point where I feel reasonably able to cope outside, on my own, even if I am not totally sure.


A roundup of the days I have missed.


A combination of the blues, and technical issues have kept me from blogging since the 24th.  Our family PC has been refusing to find the internet, even when directly connected by cable to the modem, and my iPad has Issues with wordpress, and often refuses to post to my blog – it will let me type in an entry, but will then either lose the Publish Post button altogether, or will show it, but refuse to respond to it.  And being somewhat blue over the weekend, I didn’t want to go to the faff of typing in a blog post on the iPad, only to be unable to post it.

I had my penultimate group psychotherapy session on Thursday, and it went well, I think.  I still feel positive about my decision to leave the group – I feel I have come as far in that setting as I am going to come, and it is time for me to move on on my own.  What is lovely is that there are people in the group who want to keep in touch, when we have all left, so there will be ongoing support there – and friendships too, I hope.

But despite the blues, and not sleeping too well, I did have a good weekend, with plenty of Positive Things to record.  Saturday was a fairly quiet day – N and I went up to Braehead shopping, and I not only found a book I have been waiting for in paperback – The Soldier’s Wife, by Joanna Trollope – but I also found a new Rebecca Shaw Turnham Malpas book that I didn’t even know was in the pipeline – so happy Ellie.  And I also treated myself to a couple of new nail polishes – and branched out a bit with one of the colours!  I’ve gone for a NYC turquoise nail polish – it looks almost jade in the bottle but is lighter on, and does need several coats, but it is very WOW!  And what is more, it is an on-going Positive Thing, because it is yet to chip, which is little short of miraculous!!

Sunday saw us back at Braehead again, looking at PCs – N having decided that the current one was on its last legs.  He found one that doesn’t have huge amounts of memory, but does have a very fast processor, which is better – and having the iCloud, we don’t need huge amounts of memory.  He’s also succumbed and bought himself a Blackberry Playbook – I think my iPad has shown him the value of a tablet, and as he has a Blackberry from work, it makes sense for him to have the Playbook – and it is nice to see him treat himself to something, for a change – he is very hard to buy presents for, as he always says he doesn’t need or want anything.  But he works so hard, he deserves a treat sometimes.

Monday was like the curate’s egg – good in parts.  The weather was dire – it rained so hard that the putting green outside the clubhouse (where the knitting group meets) was becoming a lake by the time we left, and the course had been shut too.  The knitting group itself was fun, as usual – I feel so welcome and included in that group, and enjoy the time I spend with those lovely people so much – this is probably the best part of the entire week for me.  And to cap it off, I finished the scarf I was knitting out of the purple Debbie Bliss Andes yarn, and the multicoloured silk Collinette yarn – and it looks very beautiful, as you can see here:

….or not.  Apparently my technical issues are not totally resolved, and I can’t insert a photo, so I will have to wait and put it in as and when the computer decides to cooperate!  < sighs >

Coming home from knitting group was quite hairy, due to the rain.  I was warned that the road out of the village was flooded, but as other cars were going that way, I decided to chance it – and it was pretty stunning!  Luckily my decision didn’t backfire, and I didn’t drown the car, but the water was deeper for longer than anything I have previously encountered when driving.  I took some photos, whilst I was waiting for my turn to drive through the worst of it, and when technical issues permit, I will post one of them on here too.

My treats for the afternoon were typing up a set of committee minutes for the chamber choir I’m in – I have a bad habit of volunteering for committees – I feel guilted into it when no-one else volunteers, but it irritates and annoys me that so many people are willing to sit back and let the same few people do the work on things like this.  Anyhow, I am Minutes Secretary, but hadn’t got round to typing up and circulating the minutes of the last meeting – and as there was a meeting on monday evening, I was on a bit of a deadline.  Thankfully it didn’t take too long, as I also had to take No2 son to the orthodontist – where I took one look at the rain and sent him off on his own for the appointment (at 17, he is more than capable), and stayed in the car, playing with my phone – apparently the orthodontist said he didn’t blame me at all!

On the way home, I had an attack of laziness, and stopped at Asda for pizzas for tea – I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to cook – and I as I had to buy a new printer cartridge, it was so tempting to just buy something to shove in the oven – and I can resist anything except temptation !!

At the committee meeting, I gave in my notice – the AGM is coming up, so they can find someone to replace me.  I do feel guilty, though, because the secretary was wanting to leave too, but probably won’t be able to, because I’m going – but that is pretty arrogant of me because I am not irreplaceable.  Under the guilt, though, is relief – and a bit of pissed-off, because someone made a couple of little digs about my decision, and the way I had done the committee jobs I’ve had over the years.

Tuesday – still sleeping badly, and having broken sleep – especially as N and No2 son went off to Aberdeen for a university open day, and had to leave at about 5am – a real shock to the system for them, less so for me as I did go back to sleep!  I sleep best in the early hours of the morning, on into the later hours of the morning, if I am honest.  Jenni Murray and Woman’s Hour do their best to wake me up, but by that point, I find it almost impossible to drag myself out of sleep and dreams.

But when I did get up, the day was ok – not brilliant, because I was still sort-of hungover from the bad night’s sleep and then sleeping in for over half the morning.  And I didn’t really do very much with the day – apart from making sure I typed up the minutes of the previous night’s committee meeting – this time I was not going to leave them until the last moment!  Irritatingly, though N had fixed it over the weekend, the family PC managed to lose the internet again, so I had to wait until N got home and fixed it again before I could show off how efficient I had been email out the minutes!

And so to today – it is sunny here in Renfrewshire, and the house is quiet, apart from No2 hound barking at people who have the temerity to drive up their own drives, or walk past our house – or even, how dare they, walk up to our house for such nefarious activities as delivering the post!!  We are working on training her out of barking at absolutely everything as it can get a bit trying – and we clearly haven’t succeeded yet!

I slept badly again last night, and slept in this morning too, but I have had a shower, and almost a pint of strong coffee, and have completed a tricky killer sudoku, and found the big word in the Times polygon puzzle, so my brain is clearly functioning.  And I started a new book this morning, by Debbie McComber – an author I always enjoy – and was immediately hooked by the characters and the story.  Reading should definitely be one of my most Positive Things – I suppose it is a form of escape, but I have always loved books and reading.  I could cope without tv or radio, but not without books.  I would rather take 8 books to my Desert Island, and only a couple of records – though 8 books wouldn’t last me very long at all – I read fast!

I think that brings us up to date – and I will try not to leave it as long before the next post – technology permitting!




Not a lot better, but I had a good night’s sleep last night, which has helped.  And though my mood is a bit down, I know that it is just a dip – there will be ups and downs but I believe that the downs won’t last forever.

Over the past couple of days I have been involved in a debate about breast feeding, and whether some women really don’t have enough milk.  This is a subject that has been a very sensitive one for me, as I felt for years that I had ‘failed’ to breast feed the boys – I even had one of them in hospital, diagnosed as Failure To Thrive’ as a 6 week old, exclusively breast fed baby.  I beat myself up for years.

But this debate has felt different to me.  I am not seeing things said there as an implication that I am a failure for not breast feeding.  It feels as if I have finally moved on from this – and that is a positive thing.

Somewhat gloomy, and not too positive…


…but carrying on, nonetheless.

Yesterday was a blue day – the positive thing was that, despite a broken night’s sleep, I managed to motivate myself out of bed, through the shower and to knitting group.  Unfortunately I had a headache, and that, plus the heat of the cafe, made me a bit lightheaded, and I came home early.  But I did enjoy myself, though it is a different sort of group to the monday one, and I feel a bit less welcome/included there.  I’ve decided, though, that that is just the tone of the group, and I am ignoring the voice of the old, paranoid Ellie, at the back of my head that says it’s because they don’t like me.

I didn’t manage to blog yesterday either – I tried twice on the iPad, but both times had real problems with the site – I think my iPad doesn’t like my blog! < grin >  Today, however, I am back on the ‘puter, which N has cajoled back into recognising the interweb, so I am going to have a go at posting the picture of the lacy scarf I knitted for my sister.  I got all creative, and tried displaying it in different places in the garden.  The pictures suggest that this is something I will need to put in more work on!

I still have a headache today, and I have therapy this afternoon.  And I especially don’t want what I am sure is a temporary dip in my mood, due to headache and tiredness, to spill over in such a way that they don’t think I am ready to leave – I believe I am, and I believe that it is time for me to be tackling this on my own – so fingers crossed.

Onto today’s positive thing – the picture of the lacy scarf:


… or not.  It seems that the ‘without frills’ version of internet explorer that N has managed to get working, won’t let me insert a photo – but if I can, at least, publish this post, we will have improved on yesterday!  And I can laugh about it, which is a positive thing.


Several days and several positive things.


It’s Monday, and my sister’s visit is over, so now I can update this blog – and I have something positive for each day, which is good.

Friday was a very productive day – I did plenty of cleaning, roasted a joint of beef to go with salad for supper, made a pavlova and a clementine cake; and also went and collected the lace scarf from my friend who had blocked it, and it was beautiful.  She’d made it look so much better than it did when I finished it.

And when I gave it to my sister, she loved it.  I did borrow it briefly to take a picture that I will post on here when I can get the pc to cooperate.

It was great to see R – we get on well now, though we didn’t as children – and the visit went very well.

The good visit, the good conversations I had with my sister, and the fact that I was able to be proud of the things I have made (food and craft items) are all very positive things.