That’s what I said my goal was, when I went into group therapy. I never expected it to transform me into someone whose life was 100% happy and bubbly all the time – that is unrealistic – I don’t think anyone’s life is like that. What I want is to get away from that heavy, dragging feeling inside me, that makes everything, even thinking and feeling, such hard work. The absence of that would be wonderful, and would leave me feeling lighter, and more peaceful – and from that foundation, I feel I could cope with the normal ups and downs of daily life – enjoy the happy bits and the fun bits, and not be devastated by the bad bits. Taking it all in my stride, sums it up, I suppose.
I have an inkling of that feeling this morning, and rather than thinking, ‘Oh, it won’t last’, I am going to enjoy it, and live in the moment. My therapist used to talk about not running away from feelings (particularly negative ones, but I think it applies to positive ones too), but sitting with them for a while before moving on. Sometimes it feels easier to hide from the negative feelings, but I need to acknowledge them, and look at my reaction to them, because that is what matters, I think.
I need to head off to the post office – I have two parcels to post, and I must get that done today, otherwise it will just hang over me. I would also like to do some tidying – perhaps in the dining room. The office/library is in real need of sorting, but I look at it and don’t know where to start, so I am avoiding it. Which is probably entirely against the spirit of the rest of this post, so maybe I will tackle the office later on. There’s a housework system called FlyLady – and one of the basic tenets of that, if I recall correctly, is that you can do anything for 15 minutes – so set a timer, do 15 minutes of sorting or whatever, and then stop for a few minutes – then go back for another 15. I suppose it is reducing the task to bite sized morsels, rather than being overwhelmed by the whole thing. I will give it a go and we will see how I do.
Two for joy.
I managed to confuse myself by calling Monday’s post ‘Sunday – the day of rest’. Sometimes I worry myself. [wry grin] But now I have worked out that I did post yesterday, so haven’t missed two days, so that is OK.
Today’s Positive Thing is that I have an easy plan for supper – toad-in-the-hole – which will not require me to peel loads of potatoes, as I think the batter provides the carbs for the meal (lazy), is popular with all the family, and will leave me with leftovers for my lunch tomorrow.
And the desk is still beautifully tidy – so that is two positive things.
I had a pyjama day yesterday – well, a nightshirt and fluffy dressing gown day, if we are being pedantic – and very nice it was too. I started with the tennis – watching Andy Murray losing to Novak Djokovic in the Australian Open, and then found other things to watch for the rest of the day, and somehow avoided going and getting dressed. I also seem to have forgotten to write my daily blog entry – mea culpa.
Yesterday’s positive thing was playing cards with No2 son and N, in the evening. I have to confess that I was less than keen to join the game, but did it for my son – and I am glad that I did, because it was great fun – we were playing Racing Demon, which neither N nor I had played before, but which No2 son had learned from a friend. The Positive Thing was partly that I made myself do something I was reluctant to do, and enjoyed it, and partly the fun of playing the game with my husband and son.
Today started early – and I am Not Good at early. I had to be up in time to drive No2 son to his orthodontist appointment, so was up at 7.40am. I have to wonder why I can make myself get up when I know I have to, but cannot make myself get up when there isn’t anything to get up for, but I know that starting the day earlier is better for me.
Today’s Positive Thing – staying on after all but one of the knitting group had left (I stayed because I didn’t want to desert the last lady), and having a lovely conversation with her. And another positive thing is that people in the group chased me about my commitment to arranging some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for myself, and provided me with the phone numbers of a couple of organisations that might be able to help me. Friends are a real blessing.
All of us are tidying today – the boys are mucking out their rooms (and believe me, I use that term advisedly), and N and I are tidying other parts of the house. So far, he has gone through the cupboard under the stairs like a dose of salts, and we have got rid of stuff that has been untouched for 3 years. I’ve made the desk back into a working space, rather than a tottering pile of papers and magazines (though I have to confess that a stack of unread magazines has gone through to the conservatory, to await my attention – if I haven’t read them in a couple more months time, I will recycle them).
This is definitely a Positive Thing – the state of the house was depressing me, but the effect of that is a sort of paralysis that stops me actually doing anything about it, until someone else gets me started. I think I am overwhelmed by the size of the task, and I need someone to help me focus on one bit, so I am tackling one brick, not the whole wall. Thank heaven for N who is the original duracell bunny, has lots of energy, and is very good at getting started on tasks, sweeping me onwards with him.
Not much snow. Not quite enough to bury the blades of grass on the lawn, but still enough to make the back garden look all wintery and pretty. It’s stopped now, but the sky is a gloomy grey that says that there may be a bit more to come.
I did get my squares for the latest mumsnet blanket finished yesterday, and I can get them packed up and dispatched as soon as N allows me to drive to the Post Office. I’m not sure whether it is my welfare he’s concerned about, or that of the car, but he doesn’t want me to drive until the roads are a bit clearer.
I am not feeling very Positive today – it feels like I haven’t achieved anything much of late. So I am focusing on my friends, and how lucky I am to have such good ones. Some of them I rarely see, mainly because of distance, and busy lives, others I see regularly, and still others I have never met at all, but only know through the magic of the interweb – but they are all so precious to me.
What I struggle with is believing that they might feel the same about me – even when they tell me so, and that is where I need to put in some real work. Because I know my friends are decent, intelligent and honourable people, so I should value their opinions – and that includes their opinions of me. Frankly, it is rude to disbelieve them.
So my Positive Thing today is that I am liked by my friends. And that makes me happy.