Something I don’t do nearly often enough, I think. But I am going to pat myself on the back for all I achieved yesterday. By the time our visitor arrived, I had cleaned the kitchen, made a clementine cake and a beef and orange casserole, and the veg were ready to cook too, and I had tidied the front room and vacuumed through the whole of the downstairs. Then I went on to enjoy an evening I had been a bit nervous about, and admitted (to myself and to friends) that I had been a bit of a nit to be worried about meeting this person.
Then this morning, I got up much earlier than usual (not as early as my alarm was set, but still before 8am), in order to make tea and toast for our guest, before dropping her to the airport.
There is a small voice inside me saying, ‘I can do stuff. I’m worth while and people like me’. It is still a very small voice, just a tiny spark of self belief, but I hope I can cherish it and let it grow into a flame of confidence in myself. It is a slow process, and the voices that tell me that people only want to be my friend because they are so nice and are sorry for me, and that I am failing at so many things in my life etc etc, are loud and convincing. But loud and convincing isn’t always right – and definitely isn’t right in this case. So I am working towards learning to ignore the loud voices that say harmful things.
Disclaimer – these aren’t real voices, but are the thoughts that have dogged me all these years.