Deep, darkness.


I am feeling bad at the moment – I’m not managing to get up at a reasonable time, and I stuffed myself with chocolate pretzels last night – and I am too depressed to care.  I’m so tired all the time – if my alarm didn’t go off, and if N didn’t bring me coffee, I could sleep until midday or beyond.

I’m having a hard time with N at the moment – he is a very Conservative person, politically, and I find it really difficult to cope with some of his views on tax and benefits etc, because I am a dyed-in-the-wool woolly liberal.  We’ve had a couple of discussions about it, and I have tried to explain how painful I find it to hear such harsh views from my life partner.  I really can’t take it at the moment.

Maybe it is the depression that is making me so much more sensitive at the moment – maybe I’d be coping better if I was feeling better – I really don’t know.  I also don’t know what to do about it.  Should I carry on trying with the small changes, or should I give myself a bit of a holiday from them until I am feeling better?  It might feel like failing, but it might be what I need.  Who knows.

Worryingly I am thinking a lot about dying and  particularly that I would like to escape from all of this into death.  I am not having suicidal thoughts, but if I had a massive heart attack and dropped dead, it wouldn’t bother me, if you understand what I mean.  It might be a bit of a relief.


About sdtgcraftygenius

I'm in my late forties, mum of three teenage boys, living near Glasgow. I've been a nurse, studied politics and music at university, and now I am a stay-at-home mother. I've suffered from depression for many years (only recently diagnosed), and take antidepressants daily to keep me on a manageable level.

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