I am feeling bad at the moment – I’m not managing to get up at a reasonable time, and I stuffed myself with chocolate pretzels last night – and I am too depressed to care. I’m so tired all the time – if my alarm didn’t go off, and if N didn’t bring me coffee, I could sleep until midday or beyond.
I’m having a hard time with N at the moment – he is a very Conservative person, politically, and I find it really difficult to cope with some of his views on tax and benefits etc, because I am a dyed-in-the-wool woolly liberal. We’ve had a couple of discussions about it, and I have tried to explain how painful I find it to hear such harsh views from my life partner. I really can’t take it at the moment.
Maybe it is the depression that is making me so much more sensitive at the moment – maybe I’d be coping better if I was feeling better – I really don’t know. I also don’t know what to do about it. Should I carry on trying with the small changes, or should I give myself a bit of a holiday from them until I am feeling better? It might feel like failing, but it might be what I need. Who knows.
Worryingly I am thinking a lot about dying and particularly that I would like to escape from all of this into death. I am not having suicidal thoughts, but if I had a massive heart attack and dropped dead, it wouldn’t bother me, if you understand what I mean. It might be a bit of a relief.