I did my nurse training during the Thatcher years – and as a nurse, I was appalled at what she did to the health service. But there are too many people openly rejoicing, having parties etc at her death. I can disagree with her policies, abhor her actions and her legacy, and still respect her family and friends’ right to grieve for the woman they knew and loved.
It has made me think about death some more. At this point in time, I am not having suicidal thoughts – my cousin committed suicide years ago, and I still remember the lasting effect that had on her family, and I wouldn’t do that to mine. But I do sort-of want to fall asleep and not wake up. To be able to stop struggling, stop feeling that I have failed at so many things, stop looking ahead to a future that looks fairly bleak – it is tempting. But I want to hope that things will get better, and that the future will not be as bleak as I am imagining it – and I know that, if the depression lifted, it would all look so much better, so I will hang on.
I need not to take things to heart. Yesterday someone asked me not to express certain views because it could hurt or offend others, and that left me with a sick feeling inside, and I fretted about it, on and off, for the rest of the day. I felt as if my feelings weren’t as important – it was about benefits and tax, and the falling-out I had with N last week, but I didn’t get to explain that, and she thought I was just going to be talking about how our tax is not fair (which it isn’t, though I can see how someone worse off than us would think we were just whinging), hence sort-of slapping me down – I didn’t get to say what I needed to say (which was about needing a bit of support because I’d fallen out with N over my support for benefits), and that hurt. I don’t think she meant to make me feel that way, and she would be sorry, maybe even horrified, if she knew how much her comments affected me, and so I have tried to throw off the feelings – with mixed success. I still feel hurt. I’m probably being over-sensitive, but that’s part of depression – the negative things really, really hurt.
Do I have a positive thing for the day? To be honest, I am not sure I do today.