Comes up a lot in my blog, I know – but it seems to be an omnipresent factor in my life. It doesn’t seem to matter how well I sleep – I am still tired – but then the nights when I sleep badly, it is even worse. I’m not sleeping well at the moment – I’ve still got the cold I had a couple of weeks ago, and it has developed into a tickly, mucus-y (sorry) cough that really bugs me at night. Last night I was up twice, having to sit in the bathroom coughing for 25 – 20 minutes, until the tickle went away.
Then I was awake again, because I get night sweats, and not content with throwing one problem at me to spoil my sleep, my body decided to throw another thing too – so I woke up hot and clammy and feeling horrible. And to top it all off, I had a nightmare – I dreamed that my dad and I had a huge row, and after I had gone home, he went out in the car and had a bad accident, and my mum rang me to say he was in Intensive Care. I had to go and collect my sister, and rush to dad’s bedside. This dream made me feel bad for several reasons – firstly because my dad died in 2000, and I still miss him – and dreaming something so upsetting about him was horrible. Then secondly, in the dream, I was blaming myself for his accident and for how badly injured he was. I don’t know why that all came up out of my subconscious – it’s not like dad and I had argued before he died, and though he did die suddenly, it wasn’t a road traffic accident – it was heart failure as a result of his ill health.
Today I am just so weary that I can’t be bothered to do anything at all. I have got the fabric to make the rest of the cushion covers, and I’ve got some beautiful patchwork fabric that was given away at knitting group this week, that I could make other cushion covers with. Plus I have a sweater and the blanket to be getting on with – and I just cannot find the energy.
I’m getting myself in a state about the diabetes thing too – I just can’t work out how to go about changing my diet – well, the family’s diet, in fact – to lose the weight and tackle the diabetes. Losing weight, for me, suggests a low fat diet, with a moderate amount of carbs, but, if I have got it right, a diabetic diet means reducing the carbs and having a moderate amount of fat in the diet – and I suspect that neither of those is actually correct, and I am just so confused. I can’t imagine being without carbs – they do form a significant part of my diet. Avoiding sugar seems harder the more I look at it too – does it mean no fruit juice, or just a tiny bit, and what other drinks are allowed/forbidden? To be honest, water seems the only safe option, but that is pretty boring, even if fizzy.
My MIL is sending me a diabetic cook book – maybe that will give me some ideas – if I can find the energy to care enough to carry out any of them is another thing altogether.