Yesterday was a good day. My friend L, from choir, and her husband, who sings in the tenors, came over for afternoon tea yesterday. I’d baked up a storm and we laid on cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, cheese scones, banana, date and walnut loaf, and coffee cake. It was a lovely afternoon – they share the same sense of humour as us, and we enjoy a number of the same things, so the conversation never lapsed.
Interestingly, even though I woke up a bit unenthusiastic about doing the baking, I was looking forward to the afternoon – and that is important, because I still don’t always look forward to things, though I am looking forward to things much more than I used to.
N was wonderful yesterday – I asked him to run the hoover round the house, and he did that, and sooo much more! He cleaned the dining room rug (which really needed it) dusted around downstairs, hoovered, swept down the stairs and tidied things up – so not only did the house look nice when my friends arrived, but it starts the week looking good too.
Today was quieter – we had a lie-in and breakfast in bed, and then went down to Port Glasgow to do the weekly shop. But it is an important day (or, at least, I hope it will prove to be an important day in hindsight) because I have decided to try to come off the antidepressants. I did try last year, and it didn’t go well, but a year on, I feel it is time to try again – not least because the side effects are really starting to get me down.
Having found out that citalopram can cause jaw clenching and tooth grinding, I now wonder if it is responsible for the tension I feel a lot of the time in my neck and jaw, and also. possibly, for the difficulty I am having reaching the higher notes in my range – because when I do try to sing those notes, my throat locks up tight, and I cannot relax it at all, even though I know that is what I need to do.
Anyway – I have reduced the dosage to 30mg daily, and will carry on at that level for a couple of months – the last time I did this, I only stayed on 30mg for a month, and maybe that was a bit too fast. I think if I take it very slowly indeed, I could, possibly be off the tablets by the end of the year, which is a sensible time-frame. I had decided last year, after I had to up the dosage when the attempt to come off the ADs failed, that maybe I was destined to stay on them for life – and maybe if that was what I needed, in order to be able to function, I should view it like a diabetic views their insulin, and just accept I need it, full stop. But it would be lovely if that were not the case – if I could get through life without being medicated, that would be good. I have been on ADs since before we moved up to Scotland – so over 5 years, maybe 6 or 7 – and that is long enough, I think.