Changeable.

Standard

That goes for the weather, my mood and my physical condition.  Today we’ve had torrential rain, hail and sunshine – sometimes within the same 30 minutes!  We have an excellent place at the Golf Club from which to observe the changing weather – and to see that there were no golfers braving the weather today.

Mood wise – I feel up and down at the moment.  Having this cold is pulling me down physically, and that does make me feel down emotionally too – obviously.  But at the same time, I enjoyed knitting group, and was glad to get there and to spend time with people who mean a lot to me – and to see the beautiful things that they are creating, and the wonderful yarns they are using.

I’m not going to choir practice tonight – I think I could sing for a while, if I was careful, but I feel pretty dire – headache and tiredness – and I don’t think it would be well received if I went and shared my germs round the choir (or even just round the alto section) only a week before our big summer concert!  At least there is only one more rehearsal left before we do the Stravinsky, which is a big relief, and then one more rehearsal after the concert, before we go over to Rothsay for a second, shorter summer concert, followed by our end-of-year social – a dinner, this year.

I am still wondering what to do with the letter to the bullies.  I could post it on FB, on my school’s FB pages, and maybe some of the people who were at school with me and either took part in the bullying, or turned a blind eye to it, would read it and it might prick their consciences.  Or it has been suggested that I print out the letter and burn it ceremonially – as a sort of catharsis.  I don’t know.  There is a part of me that would like to see the bullies and those who ignored what was happening to me, writhing with guilt at what they’d done (or not done) – I would actually like to cause them the same pain that they caused me.  But would vengeance do me any good?  I honestly don’t know.  I also wonder whether I still crave some sort of acceptance from the bullies – deep down, I want them to say sorry and to acknowledge what a nice person I am today, and to want to know me.  That is pretty needy of me, and I don’t know if it is a good thing – but it is the first time I have realised that, or articulated it in any way, and that is a positive thing.

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About sdtgcraftygenius

I'm in my late forties, mum of three teenage boys, living near Glasgow. I've been a nurse, studied politics and music at university, and now I am a stay-at-home mother. I've suffered from depression for many years (only recently diagnosed), and take antidepressants daily to keep me on a manageable level.

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