Comes up a lot in my blog, I know – but it seems to be an omnipresent factor in my life.  It doesn’t seem to matter how well I sleep – I am still tired – but then the nights when I sleep badly, it is even worse.  I’m not sleeping well at the moment – I’ve still got the cold I had a couple of weeks ago, and it has developed into a tickly, mucus-y (sorry) cough that really bugs me at night.  Last night I was up twice, having to sit in the bathroom coughing for 25 – 20 minutes, until the tickle went away.

Then I was awake again, because I get night sweats, and not content with throwing one problem at me to spoil my sleep, my body decided to throw another thing too – so I woke up hot and clammy and feeling horrible.  And to top it all off, I had a nightmare – I dreamed that my dad and I had a huge row, and after I had gone home, he went out in the car and had a bad accident, and my mum rang me to say he was in Intensive Care.  I had to go and collect my sister, and rush to dad’s bedside.  This dream made me feel bad for several reasons – firstly because my dad died in 2000, and I still miss him – and dreaming something so upsetting about him was horrible.  Then secondly, in the dream, I was blaming myself for his accident and for how badly injured he was.  I don’t know why that all came up out of my subconscious – it’s not like dad and I had argued before he died, and though he did die suddenly, it wasn’t a road traffic accident – it was heart failure as a result of his ill health.

Today I am just so weary that I can’t be bothered to do anything at all.  I have got the fabric to make the rest of the cushion covers, and I’ve got some beautiful patchwork fabric that was given away at knitting group this week, that I could make other cushion covers with.  Plus I have a sweater and the blanket to be getting on with – and I just cannot find the energy.

I’m getting myself in a state about the diabetes thing too – I just can’t work out how to go about changing my diet – well, the family’s diet, in fact – to lose the weight and tackle the diabetes.  Losing weight, for me, suggests a low fat diet, with a moderate amount of carbs, but, if I have got it right, a diabetic diet means reducing the carbs and having a moderate amount of fat in the diet – and I suspect that neither of those is actually correct, and I am just so confused.  I can’t imagine being without carbs – they do form a significant part of my diet.  Avoiding sugar seems harder the more I look at it too – does it mean no fruit juice, or just a tiny bit, and what other drinks are allowed/forbidden?  To be honest, water seems the only safe option, but that is pretty boring, even if fizzy.

My MIL is sending me a diabetic cook book – maybe that will give me some ideas – if I can find the energy to care enough to carry out any of them is another thing altogether.


About sdtgcraftygenius

I'm in my late forties, mum of three teenage boys, living near Glasgow. I've been a nurse, studied politics and music at university, and now I am a stay-at-home mother. I've suffered from depression for many years (only recently diagnosed), and take antidepressants daily to keep me on a manageable level.

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