I’m still on 20mg of citalopram – there are two more tablets left in this pack, and then I am considering going down to 10mg. I don’t know whether to go down to 20mg and 10mg, turn and turn about for a couple of weeks, to ease the transition – but I haven’t had any side effects from reducing the dosage so far, so I might just go for it.
It is felt making group tomorrow, and I am going to try my hand at nuno felting – I have bought three chiffon scarves, and I am hoping that they will be suitable for nuno felting (it all depends on whether the fibres of the scarf are loosely enough woven that the fibres of the wool can grip through them, to felt up).
The other thing that happens tomorrow, is that I will ring the doctor for the results of last week’s fasting blood sugar test. If it is above 7mmols, then that will confirm the diagnosis of type 2 diabetes, and we will have to talk about how to move forward with treatment – maybe just diet or maybe diet and medication. If the results are under 7mmols, then I won’t have a diagnosis of diabetes, but I will still need to lose weight, in order to reduce my risk of going on to develop diabetes.
Every decision about food is difficult. I have used it as comfort, as a barrier against the world, as an indulgence, for far too long, and those habits are heavily ingrained – and I am spending a lot of time thinking about food, and especially wanting to eat the foods that I know I should be restricting or cutting out of my diet. I think I sabotage myself – like today, I didn’t eat any carbs until lunchtime, by which time I was very hungry (despite having had an apple mid morning) and I made poor decisions about food. It is all so hard. It’s not like I can step away from food altogether, until my problems are solved (as I could if I were addicted to nicotine or alcohol) – I need to eat every day, and I need to have enough food in the house for the whole family – and that makes it all so much harder. I am not sure I can do this, even though I know that I have to do it, for my own sake. Do I even like myself enough to want to take care of myself? To be honest, I am not sure I do.