Yesterday was a less positive day. N and I had a row on Sunday night – he told me that sometimes I smell. He knows how sensitive I am about my body odour, but he still said it. The hurt is resonating through my life – I don’t know how I can possibly be close to him, or trust him again. The upside, and it is only a very small one, is that I have not plunged back down into depression, nor do I feel the need to increase the dose of my antidepressants. That is something.
And I was able to laugh yesterday, over the email my mother sent me, critiquing the flower arrangement, the shapes of the flowers and the shape of the vase in my felt picture – based on her knowledge of flower arranging. It wasn’t unkindly meant, I know that, and I am laughing over it rather than letting it become something hurtful – and the reaction of my friends at knitting group did help with that. I do know, and accept emotionally, that what matters is that I enjoyed making the picture and I am pleased with the results – and actually, that is quite a big thing for me, as I do have a tendency to brood over negative things that are said to me, and to let them become infected thorns in my flesh.
I know I am doing just that with what N said, and I know I need to pull the thorn out and not let it become infected, so that it doesn’t cause more damage, but it is hard to do that at the same time as dealing with my reactions to N over the whole thing. We’ve talked about it since, in person and over the phone, and I hope that we can work through it.
He has made me feel ashamed of myself, dirty, repulsive. I need to believe that I am not, and I am working on that. It is not going to be easy.