Monthly Archives: July 2013

The week did get better.

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EEk – it seems I have not posted on here all week, since my rather depressive post on Monday.

So – things have got better during the week.  I have managed to make myself go to the gym, despite not really wanting to (I enjoy it once I am there – well, I enjoy the feeling of achievement – but I don’t desperately look forward to going).  I even had a go on the Elliptical machine – which I don’t like, but is good exercise – but I only managed a minute, and my knees have ached like a bitch ever since.  On Thursday, I weighed myself at the end of my workout, and I have lost another kilo – and maybe a bit more, because, if I am honest, I was a bit over 140kg the last time I weighed myself, and yesterday I was definitely 139kg!  I am flushed with success – and even if I carry on at this rate, and lose only 0.5kg per week, that is still weightloss, and will eventually get me to my goal of being around about a size 16 and fit enough to do the things I want to do.

My mum arrived on Tuesday evening, and we had a nice day together on Wednesday, and in the evening my sister arrived too, and we all spent the evening together, before I dropped them at the airport yesterday morning, for their flight up to Orkney, and on to Westray.  They will be coming back to Kirkwall on Saturday, and I will be flying up to meet them, for our week’s holiday staying in Stromness.

I am a bit apprehensive about this holiday, because despite a whole 3 weeks of regular gym attendance, I am not very active or fit, and I think a lot of what they want to do involves walking – to archeological sites/burial mounds etc.  One involves crawling for a number of metres, to get into the burial chamber, and I know that is going to be uncomfortable for me.  I guess I am worried that they are going to be judging me for how little I can do.  Mum is elderly and has mobility issues due to her vertebrae basically collapsing, so I think she can do less than I can, but my sister is quite fit – does a lot of cycling – and I know I won’t be able to keep up with her, or walk as far or fast as she does, and that does worry and depress me.

But I am trying to look on the bright side – we will have a week of time together, just the three of us, which should make some good memories, and I am sure I will enjoy seeing Orkney and its rich archeological heritage.  

And now I need to go and buy a new suitcase, and then I can pack!  I will try to update this – the apartment we are staying in does have wifi, but the ipad really doesn’t like this blog site – I can type things fairly easily, but if I try to correct anything, it all goes the shape of a pear, so it is pretty frustrating and difficult.

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Laughter – and sadness.

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We laughed a lot at knitting group this morning – it is one of the joys of that group, that we share so much laughter!

I am very tired, though – and I can’t think of anything else to say.  Except that I had a very emotional discussion with N last night.  I know I am being unfair to him – there is so much that he does, that I should be doing, and he does it all to support me and help me.  Maybe I am a lazy cow who is taking advantage of him – I don’t know.  All I know is that I struggle to find the motivation to do the simple things – and when I run out of ‘get up and go’, that’s it, I can do no more.  Which is unfair on him and the boys.

Maybe they would be better off without me.  Or maybe things will gradually improve – I am off the antidepressants, and I am doing more exercise – maybe I will recover more, and be able to do more.  I just hope they can stick it out until then.

So it would appear that, despite the friendliness and laughter of knitting group, I am actually having a bad day.  Bugger.

Forgiveness – is it a neccessary part of healing?

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And another gym visit – I spent a bit longer exercising today, and pushed myself harder on the treadmill – and I was very proud of that, but when I told N about it in the car on the way home, he seemed to be taking the piss out of it – saying that walking at 4kph on a 7% gradient was just walking a bit more briskly uphill.  I was quite surprised to get tearful over this – maybe because I am off the tablets, I am getting back in touch with my emotions, which would be a good thing, if painful.  He did say he didn’t mean to be hurtful, but actually made me more upset by trying to explain why he was saying what he was saying.  All I wanted was for him to see that I was upset and to stop upsetting me more – not unreasonable, I thought.

Anyway, I swallowed the hurt back down and nothing more has been said.  He probably thinks it is forgotten, but it isn’t.

I have been thinking about forgiveness – partly because of this incident, but mainly because of a thread on mumsnet.  One poster was talking about a book about toxic parents, and said that the author says that it is not neccessary to forgive your abuser/the person who hurt you – and that hit me right between the eyes.  For years and years I have been struggling to forgive the children who bullied me, the teachers who either didn’t notice, or knew what was happening, and did nothing about it, and my parents, especially my mum, who knew I was being bullied (because I came to her in tears) and who did nothing to help me, but instead brushed me off, leaving me with the firm impression that I was on my own, and it wasn’t worth going back to her when things carried on, and got worse.

I have been told a number of times that I should forgive all these people – that forgiving them is the first step on the road towards healing for me – and now I am wondering if that is actually true at all, or whether there is nothing wrong with the fact that I actually don’t want to forgive the bullies or the adults who did nothing to help me.  I have felt like such a failure because I couldn’t forgive them, but I am going to try to stop believing that now.

More steps.

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Steps at the gym on the treadmill – despite feeling desperately unkeen, I was at the gym at 8.35am yesterday (having dropped No 1 son to the station), and did over 1.5 hours of exercise.

And steps with the citalopram – I haven’t taken any for three days now.  I know that it will take a week or so for it to be finally out of my system, so I’m not out of the woods yet, but I am feeling positive about it, and I think it is going to work this time.  I might buy some St Johns Wort – but not until I am sure that the citalopram is all out of my system.

The weather is glorious at the moment – all of the UK basking in a heatwave that hasn’t avoided Scotland, for a change.  It is wonderful to see the sun and the blue sky, but as a true Brit, I am not completely satisfied with the lovely weather, and am grumbling a bit about the heat.  I will miss the sun when it goes, but I will be glad to be cool at night again.  Swings and roundabouts – I suppose I can be positive about it and say that I am loving the sunshine and the warmth, and I will love the cool too.  It is a bit harder to be positive about day after day of rain, but I do like sitting in the conservatory listening to the rain on the roof, and it is what keeps Scotland so green and lovely, so that is a good thing.

A big, big step.

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Today I didn’t take a citalopram tablet.  I haven’t entirely decided whether that is it, or whether I am going to take 10mg every other day for a while, just to finally tail it off – or whether I am going to go for broke, and stop altogether.  I am inclining towards the latter, but I will see how I sleep tonight, and how I feel tomorrow before I make a final decision.

Today was good – I met up with the MN Glasgow blanketeers, at the Tramway, and we had a lovely day of knitting and gossip – but no celebrities to spot this time, unfortunately.

Week three of gym membership.

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With a slight hiatus in the daily blogging – for which I apologise.  Once my father in law had left, we had a fairly quiet Sunday – N dropped me at the gym, and I did my workout whilst he went and did the weekly shop – which worked very well.  I am having to make myself go to the gym – and I confess it is much easier to do this when N is around to drive me and drop me off at the door, partly because of the hike up from the carpark, but mainly because he doesn’t let me get away with missing a session.

But today I had to do it all on my own, and I managed – despite having to take No2 son to the orthodontist at my usual gym time (I am not at all good with changes in my routine) – and I think I worked a bit harder today than previously.  I used a steeper incline on the treadmill on my first session, and did some extra resistance work at the end, so I was there over an hour and a half.  If I can keep this up – and keep up a regular weightloss of about 1kg a week, that will add up to over 7 stone by this time next year.  Who knows – by then I might be able to run on the treadmill!  I haven’t run in years (my knees are not up to it), and frankly, if I were being chased by zombies, I wouldn’t get very far at all before I was zombie-fodder.  That could all change.  I have a small, fairly secret desire to do some sort of distance race – maybe 5K or even more – and to be able to run every day – and enjoy it.  We shall see – all things are possible.

Sunny saturday – and a bit of peace and quiet.

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My father in law and his lady friend have gone up to Glasgow with N to see the House for an Art Lover.  I have stayed at home, allegedly to look after the dogs (there’s no-one else home, and I didn’t want to have to leave them shut in, in the current hot weather), and to roast the beef for tonight’s supper – but mainly to have some peace and quiet and alone-time in the empty house – and to catch up with life on the interweb!

We had a lovely day yesterday – the Kelvingrove museum and the Burrell collection, then dinner outside in the garden because the weather was so lovely – in fact we stayed outside until gone 11pm, having wine and cheese and biscuits, and pleasant conversation.  It is nice having visitors, but I do need a bit of time on my own.

I should have a think about meals for next week, and make out the menu and the shopping list, because we will need to do the shopping tomorrow.  I feel somewhat uninspired, though.  Sadly it isn’t going to stay this hot, otherwise I think I would plan a salad every night – I would like that (and it would be good for me) but the boys might object.  I think we will have a couple of salad meals at least, though.  

On a related note – I weighed myself at the gym on Thursday, and I have lost about a kilo – which is about 2lb, and that, if I can keep it up on a regular basis, would be a good, steady weightloss.  So yay me!!