This happened on Sunday. We’d had people to stay – a friend of mine from my nursing days (my best friend from my nursing days, actually), her husband and their children. It was a bit chaotic having four extra people in the house, but not that bad, and the chaos was hugely outweighed by the pleasure of having these people to stay – I got to catch up with my lovely friend, we had some great conversations and laughs with her husband (also lovely), and her children were a positive pleasure to have in the house – frankly I would have been very happy if they could have stayed more than the three nights we’d arranged.
When they’d left, on Sunday morning, I went to the gym (I have been going regularly, and feeling pretty good about that achievement). I didn’t go on the treadmill, as my knee and calf muscles have been very painful lately, especially after each gym visit, so I had decided to do a really long session of resistance instead. Anyhow – I was working on one of the machines, and suddenly felt as if I was about to burst into tears – I have no idea where the feelings came from. I carried on, and ignored the emotions, and went home at the end of the session.
By the time I got home, I was on the edge – everything irritated me, I had no patience, no-one could say anything to me, and everything they said was wrong. I was ready to bite lumps out of anyone who came near me. The final straw was finding out that Tesco hadn’t delivered the main ingredient for Sunday night’s supper – there were other things I could have cooked, but all I wanted to do was to explode into a fiery ball of rate – I didn’t want to think about cooking anything! I vented some of these feelings in a private group on FB, and my friends there were very sympathetic (and suggested fish and chips for supper), and then N came to talk to me about what was wrong, and I just burst into tears – and not a few tears either – a full-on, howling, wailing, snotting mess of tears – uncontrollable. And I had no idea why I was crying like that.
Looking back, maybe I was still stressed from the holiday with my mum and sister, plus a bit more stress from the other visitors, and a whole lot of other things had built up – and then the fact that I am off the antidepressants means that my emotions are no longer muffled and leveled out any more – as if I haven’t had any intense emotions for so long – and this all added up to a single, huge instance of intense emotions that just hit me like a wave.
It was scary and upsetting, and I still feel a bit shaken up by it all – but I suppose I am going to have to learn to cope with my real emotions again, rather than the suppressed ones that were all I got when I was on the antidepressants.
I am having a lazy day today. I should be going to the gym, but I am not going to – I am going to pamper myself a bit, be kind to myself, and just do the things I want to do today. Maybe I will feel a bit better tomorrow and go to the gym then, but if I don’t, it is not the end of the world.