Monthly Archives: August 2013

Mood better, knee better.

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Reasonably positive, all round.  I was organised yesterday – got the bolognese for supper made by lunchtime, so supper was really easy, and I was able to spend the rest of the day resting my knee, playing with the iPad, and knitting in front of the tv – and the Vuelta a Espana is on at the moment, so I got to enjoy all my boys in lycra, and the amazing sporting achievements of these world class cyclists.

Today is also proving to be reasonably organised.  The curry sauce for tonight is made, and the chicken to go in it has been roasted, and is now cooling, so all I need to do is strip the meat from the carcass, and put it in, when it is cool, and then I can have another afternoon resting my leg and getting on with my knitting.

I have made a start on a waterfall cardigan (sort-of using a pattern, but not – because I am using a different gauge of yarn, so I am working off the measurements in the pattern, not the number of stitches – fingers crossed it works).  I’m using one of the yarns I won a few months back – King Cole Galaxy – a lovely, fluffy acrylic yarn, with sequins spun into it, so it is all sparkly!  I want the cardigan to go with the dress I want to wear to my nursing reunion in October, so I am going to have to get my finger out and knit hard to get it done in time.  I am not good at this – other knitters and crocheters I know finish projects in a week or a couple of weeks – I still have them on the needles/hook months down the line – unless I have a deadline to work to!

And now I have damaged my knee.

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Well – damaged it again.  My left knee was already pretty painful (maybe I over did it on the treadmill at the gym), but yesterday, when I got out of the car, something gave way behind my left knee, and I almost fell over on the spot.  I did go out again, for a little retail mooch round Silverburn shopping centre, but when I got back home, my knee was so painful I could hardly put my weight on it at all, and even getting into the house was difficult.

I spent the rest of the day on the couch, with my knee strapped up, but it didn’t do any good at all, and by bedtime, I pretty much had to crawl upstairs to bed.  It is a bit better this morning – I can limp round the house, but my planned gym visit has gone by the board, and I don’t see myself going anywhere beyond these four walls, unless it is just for a little drive in the car (how middle aged that sounds).

On the plus side, though, I have plenty of knitting and crochet to be getting on with, and the Vuelta a Espana is live on Eurosport at 3pm, so I have that to look forward to.

Strangely, my mood is better today, despite my physical problems – I wonder why that might be?

Anyhow – the couch, the yarn and the tv are calling, so I will be off!

Still feeling low.

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But maybe it is a good thing that I am recognising it in myself.  I can see that my mood is low, rather than just being lost in the darkness – I think that is better.

I think I am going to read the book I bought over a year ago, on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and one on the mindful way out of depression, and see if I can learn the skills I need from those.

I have achieved some things this week, despite being low.  I haven’t been to the gym, but I have done not one, but two lots of housework – well, I have had two goes with the steam cleaner, working on the grout in the en suite bathroom.  It looks much better now, though not perfect – but it is hard work steamering away above shoulder level (above the window frame particularly), or scrubbing over and over at the same line of grout.

I have ordered some yarn to crochet a blanket for a friend who is pregnant – I am going to do lovely squares in turquoise, teal and cream – I am really looking forward to this.  I am also working on the little decorations for the Attic24 christmas wreath – even though the pattern for the holly leaf runs to several pages!  I have made little stars, and a triple layer flower, which are rather pretty, and I have bought some small balls of wool in a number of colours, so I can make lots more stars and flowers and balls and pompoms.

I think I need to complete some projects, to give myself that feeling of achievement.

Feeling low.

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If I am honest, I don’t feel any worse than I did when I was on the antidepressants, so I suppose that is positive – but I am struggling at the moment.  To be honest, it sort-of feels as if I will always be this way – struggling to motivate myself to do anything, tired, sad, living in a house that needs a lot of tidying and cleaning (but not wanting to do any of it), with lots of lovely craft projects to do, yet lacking any motivation to start any of them, and not looking forward to anything much in life, apart from sleep, and death.

God – that looks pretty bleak, written down like that.  But I have achieved something today – I took my new steam cleaner upstairs and tackled the en suite shower cubicle, which now does look a lot better than it did.  I haven’t tidied up the cleaner, though – it is just there cooling off (in case I get the motivation for a second round of cleaning – hahahaha), and all the bottles of shower gel and shampoo are in the sink, waiting to be tidied back into the shower.

Generally, I feel like a bit of a failure today, and this week – and all I really want to do is to crawl into bed and sleep until everything is better again.  But how long would that be?

Weekend meltdown.

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This happened on Sunday.  We’d had people to stay – a friend of mine from my nursing days (my best friend from my nursing days, actually), her husband and their children.  It was a bit chaotic having four extra people in the house, but not that bad, and the chaos was hugely outweighed by the pleasure of having these people to stay – I got to catch up with my lovely friend, we had some great conversations and laughs with her husband (also lovely), and her children were a positive pleasure to have in the house – frankly I would have been very happy if they could have stayed more than the three nights we’d arranged.

When they’d left, on Sunday morning, I went to the gym (I have been going regularly, and feeling pretty good about that achievement).  I didn’t go on the treadmill, as my knee and calf muscles have been very painful lately, especially after each gym visit, so I had decided to do a really long session of resistance instead.  Anyhow – I was working on one of the machines, and suddenly felt as if I was about to burst into tears – I have no idea where the feelings came from.  I carried on, and ignored the emotions, and went home at the end of the session.

By the time I got home, I was on the edge – everything irritated me, I had no patience, no-one could say anything to me, and everything they said was wrong.  I was ready to bite lumps out of anyone who came near me.  The final straw was finding out that Tesco hadn’t delivered the main ingredient for Sunday night’s supper – there were other things I could have cooked, but all I wanted to do was to explode into a fiery ball of rate – I didn’t want to think about cooking anything!  I vented some of these feelings in a private group on FB, and my friends there were very sympathetic (and suggested fish and chips for supper), and then N came to talk to me about what was wrong, and I just burst into tears – and not a few tears either – a full-on, howling, wailing, snotting mess of tears – uncontrollable.  And I had no idea why I was crying like that.

Looking back, maybe I was still stressed from the holiday with my mum and sister, plus a bit more stress from the other visitors, and a whole lot of other things had built up – and then the fact that I am off the antidepressants means that my emotions are no longer muffled and leveled out any more – as if I haven’t had any intense emotions for so long – and this all added up to a single, huge instance of intense emotions that just hit me like a wave.

It was scary and upsetting, and I still feel a bit shaken up by it all – but I suppose I am going to have to learn to cope with my real emotions again, rather than the suppressed ones that were all I got when I was on the antidepressants.

I am having a lazy day today.  I should be going to the gym, but I am not going to – I am going to pamper myself a bit, be kind to myself, and just do the things I want to do today.  Maybe I will feel a bit better tomorrow and go to the gym then, but if I don’t, it is not the end of the world.

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside.

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Or any body of water, actually.  If I am right (and I might not be) my birth sign, Sagittarius, is a fire sign, and yet I am most strongly drawn to water.  I love swimming, especially so-called wild swimming (sea, lake, pond, river loch etc), and if I am near water, I long to, at least, paddle.

I love the sound of water – I would love to have a house by the sea, where I could hear the sound of the waves breaking on the rocks from my bedroom as I was going to sleep and waking up.  Gentle waves on a sunny, windless day, huge crashing waves during a storm, anything in between – I would love it.  And if there was a beach that I could walk to, and swim whenever I wanted, or just sit on the beach and watch the water and listen to the waves and the seagulls, even better.

I’d also decorate my house in the New England beachside style – lots of gentle blues and greens, faded fabrics, soft whites, stripy fabrics and seashells.  I already have the seashells – I collect them whenever I can, along with smooth beach pebbles and sea glass.  My favourite thing that I bought on Orkney was a pair of earrings made of sea glass that I bought at a craft fair in Kirkwall Town Hall.

Our big trip during the holiday was a boat my sister hired for three hours, along with its owner who was an expert on seabirds and mammals.  We had a lovely time puttering around the islands, looking at caves and sea birds and seals, and I kept thinking how lovely it would be to live up there and own a little boat, and just head off out to somewhere utterly quiet and remote, and just sit in the boat, rocking gently on the waves, reading or knitting, or just watching the wildlife, before going in for a swim in the crystal clear waters.  Heaven.

Holiday.

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I have been away, on holiday with my mum and sister.  We saw lots of interesting and beautiful things on Orkney, but I really struggled, being away from my comfort zone, and feeling on the back foot because my sister knew so much more about Orkney than I did (having visited 3 or 4 times previously), and made me feel very inferior.