Monthly Archives: September 2013

Cake is a positive thing, right?

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I made cake yesterday.  And I am counting it as a positive thing because not only is it cake, but it also meant I motivated myself to get into the kitchen and do something, rather than just thinking about it, and I used up all the bananas that had gone too soft to eat, rather than just binning them.

So that is yesterday’s positive thing.  And today’s is that I have cleaned the hob.  I put the pan stands from the hob, and all the oven shelves through the dishwasher last night, and then motivated myself this morning to clean the hob and put all the shelves and the pot stands back.  So the kitchen is still looking pretty good, if I say so myself.

Shortly I am going to drag myself away from the computer, and make bacon and tomato pasta sauce, for tonight’s supper – then all I have to do at supper time is cook the pasta and heat the sauce.

Yesterday evening was pretty stressful.  I had to go and collect No3 son and his friend from hockey practice at the National Hockey centre in Glasgow.  In the dark.  And the only other time I have been there, No3 son directed me, and we got lost, so I decided to use the sat nav (known as Sonya – ‘cos she gets onya nerves) – forgetting that the new M74 section had opened long after she was programmed – so when I accidentally ended up on it (because she said ‘Keep right’ at Plantation junction, so I kept completely right, which took me onto the M74, instead of going off at that junction and down to the A8, which is what she meant), she had no idea whatsoever where I was, and kept telling me to turn right – which is not really possible on a motorway!

So I left at the next junction, and hoped that once I was back on roads that existed, as far as Sonya was concerned, she would stop panicking, and we could find our way back to where we needed to go – but she was uncharacteristically silent, so I had to guess which way to go – and guessed wrong.  And then she decided to chime in again – “Recalculating!!” – and took us on a scenic tour of a very nice new housing estate, which also doesn’t exist in Sonya-world, so we got even more stressed and lost.  She even took me through a no-entry sign at one point – thankfully into a deserted parking area, not a busy street, so I turned round and headed off again – and she promptly directed me into a street which is now a dead end.

Eventually we found our way back to some streets that she recognised, and managed to find the Hockey centre, in time to collect the boys – and I set off homewards, taking the direct route this time, straight back up the A8 to Plantation junction (the way I could have come, if Sonya and I hadn’t misunderstood eachother so totally).  I was so pleased with myself, not getting lost, chatting merrily with the boys – until, at the junction for the airport (ie. over half way home) a car flashed his lights at me to tell me that my headlights weren’t on.  Bloody typical!!  And now N thinks I am even more of a flake.

Mind you – I did wind him up a bit – I told him I had said No3 son could go round to a friend’s house and stay out until 1.30am before reminding N that today is a holiday here (it’s the September weekend – 4 days off) – so I hadn’t had a sudden brainstorm and allowed our 16-year-old son to stay out until 1.30am on a school night!  I let him have a little freak-out before I reminded him about the holiday.  <<grins>>  But I am a bit hurt that he thinks I am stupid enough to let No3 stay out that late on a school night.

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A couple of positives.

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Clearly I am not managing one positive thing every day – to be honest, I am struggling a lot at the moment.  But there are some positives.

Firstly, despite feeling pretty crappy and low, I have not gone back onto the antidepressants, and I am surviving without them.  I am not doing as well as I was over the summer, but I am still surviving, and that is positive.

Secondly, I am managing to motivate myself a bit.  Yesterday, and one day last week, I did make myself go to the gym, despite really, really not wanting to!  I am not doing as much cardio as I was – but I think 3×10 minute sessions on the treadmill was too much for my knees – so I am doing 10 minutes on the treadmill, and then 50 minutes of resistance work (concentrating on things that don’t stress my knee joints).  I don’t know how much good I am doing – but given how little I normally do, any exercise has got to be an improvement, right?

Thirdly, I am being a bit more organised with regard to cooking the evening meal.  If it is something that can be cooked in advance, and heated up in the evening, I am trying to get that done in the morning, so that I can relax in the afternoon, and there is not too much left to do to get the meal on the table.  Today, I have made a beef casserole, that is going to simmer gently in the oven all day, hopefully getting more and more tasty.  All I will need to do is put some potatoes in to bake later on, and then make some dumplings to go in.  And I might make myself make the dumplings – or at least weigh out the mixture – before I go and sit down for the afternoon with my knitting, my ipad and the tv!

Finally, N and I had a big blitz at the weekend – we sorted out all the kitchen cupboards, got rid of lots of out-of-date food, and everywhere is now clean, and tidy, and beautifully organised.  And I have kept on top of keeping the kitchen clean since, too.  Though that is despite the best efforts of the rest of the family, who have yet to grasp the (admittedly very complex) concept of wiping things up if you spill them!!

Being selfish.

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I have decided that it is more important that I look after myself than that I do things that I hope will make people like me.  Last night was my choir’s AGM.  If I had gone, I was pretty certain they were going to ask me to minute the meeting, and that I was going to feel obliged to serve on the committee again – basically because I am usually one of the few people, in whatever group I am in, who volunteers to do stuff.  So I didn’t go to the meeting.  I had a headache and was feeling pretty crap anyway, but would probably have gone, if I hadn’t feared ending up volunteering again.

I don’t think this is wrong – the people in the choir who never volunteer to help out, won’t give a stuff about the effect that stress has on my depression, and my state of mind, so I think I have to be my own best friend and best advocate.

In better news, my lovely friend came round with a scarf she had knitted for me – she was at knitting group yesterday, and ran out of yarn, so I gave her a ball from my stash and she said she’d knit me a scarf – and she finished it before 10pm last night!!  It is lovely – soft, and fluffy and so warm and light round my neck.  And it means so much to have such kind friends, too.

I do need to accept that people do actually like me – and not because they are sorry for me, but because I am a nice person.  I am a nice person.  I am a nice person.  I am a nice person.  Hopefully one day I will really believe that.

There may be a light at the end of the tunnel.

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I am feeling a tiny bit better.  Not hugely so – I still want to hole up at home, with my knitting, and the internet, and the tv and lots and lots of chocolate and carbs, but I did manage to make myself go to the gym on Tuesday – sadly the fitness suite was shut, so I turned round and came home again – but at least I tried.  And not only did I go to feltmaking group yesterday, but I didn’t have that inner battle where I want to find a reason not to go, and have to force myself to go anyway.  I didn’t exactly look forward to it, but I didn’t dread it either, and that is a positive step, I believe.

Choir was also better this week – partly because we didn’t do so much of the Barber, which I hate, and partly because I didn’t feel as if I was floundering in a sea of unreachable, unknowable notes that I should know.  It is the choir AGM next week, so no singing – but I will be sitting firmly on my hands so as not to volunteer to become the secretary (the lady who was secretary last year has left the choir) – or anything else on the committee, for that matter.  I know that if I join the committee again, I will just get very stressed about whatever responsibilities I take on, and that will not be good for me.  

On a positive note, my knitting is coming on well.  I am knitting a waterfall cardigan, in cerise pink yarn with sequins on it – which will go over my maxi dress for the nursing reunion dinner in October.  If I carry on as I am doing, I may even get it finished before the end of the month – that would be a real achievement!

I am going to be organised this morning.  I’m going to drag myself away from the computer, and make the bolognese for tonight’s supper – then I can spend the afternoon watching tv and knitting, with a clear conscience.

Down, down, down.

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I can feel myself slipping into a depressive slump.  My thoughts are pretty negative at the moment, physically I am more of a wreck than normal, I am very tired all the time (more so than usual), and I am mainlining chocolate whenever I can get my hands on it.

But I have found a free online resource called MoodGym, that is a cognitive behavioural therapy course, and I made a start on it today.  I am not expecting instant results, but I am going to hold onto the first lesson, which was about negative thoughts influencing how I feel.  Though now I am feeling a bit discouraged because I thought I had taken in what it was teaching me today, but I can’t dredge it out of my poor brain at the moment.  That is not because I am a stupid person, though – it is because I am tired and my brain is foggy – and that is not my fault – so maybe I have absorbed the lesson, even if I can’t articulate it.  Confused yet?  You will be!

So lesson 1 is that I am not a bad person, or stupid or a failure.  And I am trying to believe that.