Well – 2013 is over, so I think maybe I should take stock of where I am, and where I would like to be this time next yeaer.
Things have been pretty up and down in 2013. On the positive side, I have come off the anti-depressants, and so far, I seem to be coping without them – as I think I said earlier on in the year, I don’t feel any worse without them, and that is actually a positive. I have managed to carry on with the knitting groups I go to, and the choir – and especially with the latter, I do struggle to make myself get out of the door to go to rehearsals, but I have been winning that struggle, and that too, is a positive thing.
I had a very good period of exercising regularly – three times a week, at the best point – and I did lose a little bit of weight. Unfortunately that hasn’t carried on, as various things have got in the way (some niggling injuries that were exacerbated by the exercise I was doing, and a bit of illness), and basically I broke the three-times-a-week habit, and have never managed to get back. My diet has not been terribly good either – and I have fallen away from the small changes that I instituted earlier in 2013. It seems I can be strict with myself, but only for a limited length of time. Maybe in 2014, I need to be less strict, so that I can actually keep these things going. I do want to lose weight and get fitter this year – the spectre of Type 2 diabetes is still looming.
Christmas has been a bit stressful, and I have had a couple of melt-downs – one an utter doozy, when I found out that one of the boys had eaten some of the left-over goose from Christmas day, so I was unable to do the meal I was planning on the day after Boxing day – for some reason, this tipped me over the edge into a total melt-down, where I was full of screaming pain, and just wanted to smash up the world – but knew that I couldn’t do that, so wanted to smash up myself instead. I didn’t do anything drastic, but I was pretty scared by the strength of my reaction to what was a pretty minor issue.
My mother in law’s health issues have got worse of late. The spots in her lungs have grown whilst she has been on a break from chemotherapy, and that means there is not a lot more they can do. She can have one more round of a different chemo, but then that is it, and we are onto palliative care. This means that 2014 is going to be a pretty sad and stressful year for my husband, his brother and his mum, and for the wider family. I love her so much – it is breaking my heart to know that our time with her is limited. The consultant was happy enough to discuss what might be happening in a few months, but got awfully non-commital when discussing a year from now – that doesn’t sound good, does it?
On the creative side, I have been getting on with a fair amount of crochet and knitting. I will have to get myself organised, and get pictures of what I have done onto the PC, so that I can post them on here (I don’t seem to be able to put pictures on here from my iPad). I knitted myself a sparkly waterfall cardigan for my 30th anniversary Nursing reunion, and a number of crochet and felted brooches I donated to MN Woolly Hugs for their online Winstons Wish auction sold – which was nice. I’ve also sent a number of crochet brooches to a group of lovely friends – and it was good to be able to give them something I had made specially for them.
I’ve also sent a scarf to my goddaughter – whose mum died at the end of October. She had been ill for 10 years, but had managed to keep herself going somehow (despite being told she had less than a year to live, when diagnosed), to see her children safely into adulthood. I hope that the scarf will be a tangible reflection of how I want to hug my goddaughter, and offer her support and love.
The boys are doing well – two of them are at university now, and are both doing well, and enjoying themselves. I am really proud of them – and I miss them when they are not here
eating us out of house and home! It is quite strange, catering for only three of us – I am using the smaller saucepans, and trying not to over-cater (not always completely successfully).
Where do I want to be, this time next year?
Well – I would like to be fitter, and to have lost some weight.
I would like to be a bit more motivated, when it comes to the things I don’t enjoy doing – like housework and tidying. I would like the house to be a bit more sorted – which means going through cupboards and shelves, and getting rid of stuff – we have too much stuff!!
I would like to like myself a bit better. I am still far too good at listening to the negative voices and thoughts, that tell me that I am unattractive, no good at anything, everyone would be better off without me, no-one really likes me or wants to be my friend. It is a habit I need to break. I need to believe that I am a good person, and that people genuinely like me, because I am likable and kind and funny.
I will definitely try to post on here more often – and at the very least, I will mentally identify one positive thing each day, even if I don’t manage to post it here.