Monthly Archives: January 2014

Struggling on.

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At least I managed to go to choir last night – though it was bloody hard work, and my concentration is shot to bits.  I think if I hadn’t gone, I would have had to step out for the rest of this session and probably the next one too, as we are already rehearsing for the summer concert, so if I missed this term’s rehearsals, that would mean I didn’t know the repertoire for the summer concert.

I was so, so tired, though – especially as I had had a bad, broken night’s sleep beforehand.  And I am slightly ashamed to say that I took a sleeping tablet last night – my mum gave me some of her zopiclone the last time I saw her (she had it to spare, and I had had a really bad night’s sleep – and yes, I know I shouldn’t take someone else’s medication, but I am not taking anything else, and decided to chance it) – and I did get a better night’s sleep last night.  N is working from home today, so I was able to turn the alarm off, too, and sleep in, which helped.

I am going to start putting together my crochet patchwork blanket – I think I probably have enough squares now (and I have enough yarn to make some extra, if I need them, or to fill in any gaps that crop up).  I am a bit nervous about how it is going to work out – and about whether it is going to work out too – but I hope it will go together, and look good when it is done.

I’ve decided to make myself a crochet scarf – I have yarn in cerise, bronze, rust and yellow, and I thought if I made squares in those colours, and sewed them together, it would be a lovely warm-coloured autumnal scarf.  But before I make that, I want to make the Attic24 Christmas wreath – and I think I finally have (or have on order) all the yarn I need – so now I have to start crocheting stars, leaves, flowers and little balls – and then I have to finally learn to make pompoms.  I have never succeeded in making a pompom in my life – I have been reliably informed that I don’t wind enough yarn onto them – it needs to be really tight in the middle of the circle, so it holds together when you cut the edges, so you can get the yarn round it to tie it.

Am I depressed again?

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This year has not got off to the best of starts for me.  I had a cold over Christmas, and the effects of the virus seem to be hanging around forever – I have little or no energy or enthusiasm for anything – I am falling asleep in the afternoons – and I haven’t been to choir rehearsals once yet this year.

I don’t know if I am just taking longer than normal to get over a virus, or if the virus has pushed me into depression again – and I can’t be bothered to go to the doctor and discuss it with them – I am just staggering through each day, doing the bare minimum, and hoping to feel better at some point.

I almost burst into tears at knitting group this week, talking about how I was feeling – and friends from there are encouraging me to go to the doctor, and to take antidepressants if I need them – but I just can’t get my head around actually doing it.

Basically, I just want to crawl under the duvet and fall asleep – and never wake up.

2nd of January.

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My Positive Thing for yesterday is that I found the energy and motivation to make a really tasty steak pie for supper – I casseroled the steak for hours, with carrots, onions, celery, herbs, stock and a bit of port, and then thickened the gravy, before it went in the pie – and it seemed to go down pretty well with the family!

Today, I am feeling pretty lousy – I am full of a cold, and tired, and have a nasty tickly cough going on.  But I did get up before 9am (which was one of the small changes), although I am not actually dressed yet.  

But today’s positive thing is that it looks as if I am going to organise a meet-up of a number of FB crocheteers – we are all members of a page where there’s a new crochet blanket square, and someone had started a thread asking where everyone lived.  I noticed there are a number of scottish members, so mooted a meet up for coffee, crochet and gossip – and it seems like a popular idea.  Now I need to push past the barriers in my mind, and actually set a date and time!

I am a bit glad that I am not responsible for supper tonight – N is going to make flash-fried liver, with bacon and sausages, mash and cabbage.  I was never a fan of liver, as a child, but when he cuts it into thin strips, coats it in flour and fries it very fast, it is actually quite tasty – I can’t eat a lot of it, but I do have some and I do enjoy what I have.  If I can work up the energy, I might peel the potatoes for him later.  But now, I need to get myself some lunch – or maybe I need to have a shower and get dressed, and then have lunch – that might be a more productive order to do things – because if I curl up on the couch in my dressing gown, to eat my lunch, I will stay there for the rest of the day.

Happy New Year!

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Well – 2013 is over, so I think maybe I should take stock of where I am, and where I would like to be this time next yeaer.

Things have been pretty up and down in 2013.  On the positive side, I have come off the anti-depressants, and so far, I seem to be coping without them – as I think I said earlier on in the year, I don’t feel any worse without them, and that is actually a positive.  I have managed to carry on with the knitting groups I go to, and the choir – and especially with the latter, I do struggle to make myself get out of the door to go to rehearsals, but I have been winning that struggle, and that too, is a positive thing.

I had a very good period of exercising regularly – three times a week, at the best point – and I did lose a little bit of weight.  Unfortunately that hasn’t carried on, as various things have got in the way (some niggling injuries that were exacerbated by the exercise I was doing, and a bit of illness), and basically I broke the three-times-a-week habit, and have never managed to get back.  My diet has not been terribly good either – and I have fallen away from the small changes that I instituted earlier in 2013.  It seems I can be strict with myself, but only for a limited length of time.  Maybe in 2014, I need to be less strict, so that I can actually keep these things going.  I do want to lose weight and get fitter this year – the spectre of Type 2 diabetes is still looming.

Christmas has been a bit stressful, and I have had a couple of melt-downs – one an utter doozy, when I found out that one of the boys had eaten some of the left-over goose from Christmas day, so I was unable to do the meal I was planning on the day after Boxing day – for some reason, this tipped me over the edge into a total melt-down, where I was full of screaming pain, and just wanted to smash up the world – but knew that I couldn’t do that, so wanted to smash up myself instead.  I didn’t do anything drastic, but I was pretty scared by the strength of my reaction to what was a pretty minor issue.

My mother in law’s health issues have got worse of late.  The spots in her lungs have grown whilst she has been on a break from chemotherapy, and that means there is not a lot more they can do.  She can have one more round of a different chemo, but then that is it, and we are onto palliative care.  This means that 2014 is going to be a pretty sad and stressful year for my husband, his brother and his mum, and for the wider family.  I love her so much – it is breaking my heart to know that our time with her is limited.  The consultant was happy enough to discuss what might be happening in a few months, but got awfully non-commital when discussing a year from now – that doesn’t sound good, does it?

On the creative side, I have been getting on with a fair amount of crochet and knitting.  I will have to get myself organised, and get pictures of what I have done onto the PC, so that I can post them on here (I don’t seem to be able to put pictures on here from my iPad).  I knitted myself a sparkly waterfall cardigan for my 30th anniversary Nursing reunion, and a number of crochet and felted brooches I donated to MN Woolly Hugs for their online Winstons Wish auction sold – which was nice.  I’ve also sent a number of crochet brooches to a group of lovely friends – and it was good to be able to give them something I had made specially for them.

I’ve also sent a scarf to my goddaughter – whose mum died at the end of October.  She had been ill for 10 years, but had managed to keep herself going somehow (despite being told she had less than a year to live, when diagnosed), to see her children safely into adulthood.  I hope that the scarf will be a tangible reflection of how I want to hug my goddaughter, and offer her support and love.

The boys are doing well – two of them are at university now, and are both doing well, and enjoying themselves.  I am really proud of them – and I miss them when they are not here eating us out of house and home!  It is quite strange, catering for only three of us – I am using the smaller saucepans, and trying not to over-cater (not always completely successfully).

Where do I want to be, this time next year?

Well – I would like to be fitter, and to have lost some weight.

I would like to be a bit more motivated, when it comes to the things I don’t enjoy doing – like housework and tidying.  I would like the house to be a bit more sorted – which means going through cupboards and shelves, and getting rid of stuff – we have too much stuff!!

I would like to like myself a bit better.  I am still far too good at listening to the negative voices and thoughts, that tell me that I am unattractive, no good at anything, everyone would be better off without me, no-one really likes me or wants to be my friend.  It is a habit I need to break.  I need to believe that I am a good person, and that people genuinely like me, because I am likable and kind and funny.

I will definitely try to post on here more often – and at the very least, I will mentally identify one positive thing each day, even if I don’t manage to post it here.