I did realise on Monday evening that I hadn’t done the day’s post, and considered doing it then, but as I hadn’t ‘checked in’ on myself in the morning, it seemed a bit deceitful.
It was a pretty good day, though – I had therapy, and although my clinical score has gone up again, this was largely due to the fact that I am sleeping so badly at the moment. We did discuss this, and it looks as if I am doing most of the right things – cool bedroom, quiet and dark, reading for half an hour plus to wind down, before putting the light out, using strategies to keep my mind from running off with lots of anxious thoughts – though we did come up with one good suggestion, which is keeping pen and paper near the bed, so I can write down anything that I forgot to do that day or need to do the next day, rather than worrying about the thing I forgot, and whether I will remember to do things the following day.
We also talked about not lying in bed, wide awake and stressing about it for too long, but getting up and doing something soothing, in a different room – reading a book, maybe or having a milky drink, perhaps. Not TV or computer, which tend to be my first pick, if I do get up. I do struggle with this – partly because I think, as long as I am in bed, with my eyes shut, there is a chance I might be about to drop off, but if I am downstairs, with the light on, I am not going to fall asleep. And also, mum used to say that, even if we weren’t asleep, at least we were in bed, resting, and that was a good thing – and that belief is very ingrained.
Anyhow – how do I feel today? 5/10 – very tired. No3 son went out last night, and came in very late, by which time N was extremely cross with him and was ranting to me about it – something I hate, because he will rant and curse about No 3’s bad behaviour to me, but then is all matey to his face, and doesn’t actually say any of the stuff he says to me, to him – so how on earth does he expect anything to change? Does he expect me to be the Bad Cop all the time, and bollock No3 for him? I won’t do that any more – it is not fair, and is not good for my relationship with No3.
Anyhow, I am planning another quiet day. I have a pot of Sainsburys pea and edamame bean salad, and a mini quiche for lunch, so I am looking forward to that, and I am going to do some crochet later on – birds, for a childrens’ hospice that is planning to try to break the yarn bombing world record.
N is away tonight, but I am going to try to go to bed at a sensible time. Honest!