Monthly Archives: August 2014

Feeling like shite today.

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No reason – I slept OK last night, though we did have a late night. I had cocoa and herbal sleeping tablets, and did get to sleep much quicker than I have been doing of late.

But we’d had a long, three-way phone call between N, his brother and me, about his mum – all the things that need sorting out, all the problems, and how we can move forward to make what’s left of her life as good and easy as possible. It was positive and useful, but also very stressful and sad.

Today I am very close to losing it with someone. Candidates so far have included No2 son, who finished off the samurai sudoku I’d done part of yesterday, and No3 who got stroppy with me when I objected to him nicking his dad’s shampoo from our ensuite. Apparently families are supposed to share – I wonder if he would still hold this view if I started nicking stuff from his bedroom – I might start with his cigarettes and his condoms – I bet that would go down well!

Anyhow, I think I might go and eat chocolate and watch rubbish on the tv for the rest of the afternoon.

4/10 – what do I need? Oblivion. Can’t have it. Chocolate will have to do.

Well – last night was better.

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Not brilliant – I didn’t sleep through, and it did take a while to drop off – but so much better than the previous night. I had taken two herbal sleeping tablets, and I think my best option, at the moment, is to carry on using these for a few days, maybe a week, to get back into a decent sleep-pattern, and to rack up a few nights where I have had a good sleep, so feel better, emotionally and physically, the next day.

I also treated myself to a lie-in this morning – I turned off the alarm and had an extra hour, which was nice. And I feel better than yesterday – at least a good 5/10, moving towards 6/10. And I have managed to be organised again, and tonight’s supper is almost sorted – the meat is cooking, and the potatoes are boiling, to make shepherds’ pie.

Sleep – all I want is a good night’s sleep.

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I didn’t sleep well last night. I am so sick of lying awake, afraid to get up and go downstairs because maybe I was just about to drop off, and that won’t happen if I am watching tv and crocheting, but fearing that I am never going to go to sleep.

Herbal sleeping tablets tonight, for sure. And no-one getting up at 5am to fly to London – not his fault, and he was very quiet, but I still woke up. I couldn’t summon the energy or motivation for breakfast. And I haven’t been managing the one-extra-portion of fruit/veg a day either. But I am trying hard not to be hard on myself for this – I will try to find the energy to go to Tesco and pick up a healthy lunch.

So today barely scrapes a 5/10, and what I want and need is some rest and peace and quiet. Luckily supper is pretty easy – gammon steaks with mash and peas.

If the sleep thing doesn’t get better soon, I think I will have to go to the doctor and ask for sleeping tablets. Surely, if a bout of insomnia has lasted over two months, they will agree that I need more than just advice on bed time routine and milky drinks?

Sleep – if my body doesn’t rob me of it, some other bugger does!!

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That other bugger being N – who was up and about nice and early (hmm) this morning, and emptied the dishwasher before 7am, with as much crashing about as possible, then had a full volume conversation with one of the boys right outside the bedroom door, before having the world’s noisiest shower, dressing and heading off to work. <>

Anyhow, coffee has revived me somewhat, and I have not only cleaned the kitchen, but the chicken for tonight’s supper is chopped up and marinating in home made teriyaki marinade, and all the veg for the stir fry is chopped and ready too – dead efficient, me!

Despite a very poor night’s sleep, I actually feel OK – not brilliant, but probably a 6/10, so at the top end of my norm. And I don’t seem to have a headache yet, which is positive too. And because I have done all the prep for dinner, I can have a lazy afternoon watching tv and crocheting yet more squares. Or maybe some little birds for a Mumsnet charity auction.

I am slightly worried that the way I sit on the couch – sideways, with my left leg draped off the edge – is causing nerve damage. I have pain in my left foot – starting in my little toe and spreading onto the top of the foot – a burning pain, with some numbness too – but there is nothing to see – no swelling or redness, and I haven’t hurt my foot recently in any way that would explain the pain – which, in any case is getting worse not better – it’s spreading further. But it isn’t always there – I can find my toe really painful, but when I touch it, no pain at all. I can’t explain it – and don’t want to go to the GP, as I believe (in one case, rightly) that they will instantly blame my weight, and won’t look any further for a cure than, ‘just lose a few kilos’. But what if I am ignoring something serious?

I think I will leave it for a week or two – if it is no better then, I will go to the doctor.

In better news, my lovely friend Julia is coming to visit again! She’s hiking on Hadrian’s wall over the weekend then coming to me on Monday. It will be lovely to see her again – and hopefully this time, I won’t have a car accident with her on board. The last one wasn’t my fault – the car ahead of me lost its exhaust on the M8, and I had no time to do more than brake, and it ended up stuck under my car – causing a nice little tailback on the motorway. Luckily the police were nearby, and sorted everything out, and there wasn’t any serious damage to the car – if there had been, it would have been complicated, as the car that lost its exhaust just drove off, and I didn’t get the registration. Anyway, it was a fairly nerve-wracking experience, and I think I will not plan to have another one whilst Julia is up here this time – lol!

Catching up.

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Things have been mixed, at best. Father in law’s visit ended eventually – but it was a very stressful week, what with having to shout everything because of his deafness, and the interminable, repetetive monologues on Supermarkets of Penzance, or My Diet and my Daily Routine, or Does that clocktower have bells that he treated us to.

N and I ended up having a huge falling-out on Sunday – sparked by the independence referendum, and a discussion on politics, but I had a huge melt down – I haven’t been that upset in living memory. I suspect that the stress of father in law’s visit, following so soon on the heels of mother in law’s visit, which was also stressful but for different reasons, played a big part in this.

Anyhow, I had a fairly good day yesterday – I met up with some of my MN friends at the Burrell, for knitting, crochet, coffee and gossip, and had a good time. But I was pretty knackered, because I’d slept really badly on Sunday night (a result of the row).

I slept better last night, and this morning I switched my alarm off, and gave myself a lie-in – I didn’t wake up until nearly 10am – I must have needed it.

So today I feel OK – 5/10 – and I need an quiet day, no stress. Maybe some crochet and some low-brow tv – I have several episodes of Dance Moms to catch up on. Supper is going to be pretty indulgent too – toad in the hole and cabbage – delicious, but does use a fair amount of oil, so not the healthiest of options.

Over the last week, I did do something productive – I finally worked out how to do single-colour granny squares, and went a bit nuts turning out one in every colour of dk acrylic yarn that I possess! I am amassing a stack of squares on the front room table, and eventually they will become a blanket for Yorkhill hospital – but for now, I am enjoying watching the pile grow! These pictures are not up-to-date – I made two more squares yesterday, in cerise and pale blue, so the stack is even taller. I am trying to resist the temptation to buy more colours to do more squares. I am not sure how much longer I can go on resisting – lol!

Crochet squares

Crochet squares 2

Sunny, happy Thursday.

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Not the best night’s sleep – mainly because N had to be up at 5am to fly down to London for a meeting – but not bad, all things considered. And yes, I did start the day with a headache, but ibuprofen seems to be kicking its arse, so that’s OK. And we had a lovely evening out yesterday with father in law and his lovely lady friend – he took us to Jamie’s Italian, to celebrate his 80th, and we had a delicious meal. I had a cocktail that was gin, cucumber, elderflower syrup, mint and pressed apple juice – which was wonderful, and I could drink by the jug-full!

They have headed out for some more sightseeing in Glasgow, so we are having another quiet day – but I have got some housework done (wiped down the kitchen, and put the stuff from the top of the cooker through the dishwasher) so I am feeling some small sense of achievement. Oh – and I am better than average on the Times Polygon, got the big word, and completed a killer sudoku – which is also good.

If it weren’t for the headache, I think today would be a solid 6/10, but is probably a 5/10.

A good day!

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We’re nearly at the end of a stressful few weeks – the Commonwealth games were stressful because of all the comings and goings, and the late nights when No 1 and No 2 were coming back from their shifts of work/volunteering. Then my mother in law visited, which was stressful because of her illness, and how much she has deteriorated since I last saw her – plus we also had some discussions about end-of-life care and funeral arrangements, which, whilst positive, were not happy discussions to have.

And now my father in law is visiting. He is a nice man, but very deaf, and lives in his own bubble – we get a running commentary of everything that occurs to him, and then we have to repeat our answers louder and louder until they get through – or N answers his father’s questions or points, and then I have to repeat them, because I have the volume and clarity to get through to his dad. And it’s no-one’s fault or blame, but it does make life so much harder.

But on the plus side, No 1 son told me yesterday how much of a difference he can see in me – it’s hard for N or I to see changes, because they are gradual and we are here every day, but No 1’s been away at university, so has seen a step-change in my mood and motivation. This was a really positive thing to hear!

Today I do feel good – probably at least a 6/10, maybe even a bit higher. I slept not too badly, despite the hot water tank overflow waking me up, and I feel lighter in my head. Therapy went well yesterday – my therapist thinks I would make a good counsellor myself, and that I should be looking for things to study that will use my mind, because I have a good brain. And I listened to all that, and accepted it without depracation – which is another step forward for me.

Today my father in law and his lady friend have gone out sightseeing in Glasgow for the day, so we have a bit of a respite. I feel bad that we need respite, but it is not easy having guests, and I know I struggle if I don’t get some peace and some head-space – and to have guests for two weeks out of three is bloomin’ hard work – even though they are all lovely people.