Monthly Archives: September 2014

I was worried last night…

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It was the first time I had been completely alone in the house in ages – I can’t remember the last time. And I was a bit concerned that I would sleep badly – I always used to struggle if N was away over night, when the boys were little – I lay awake listening to every noise, and even used to leave the downstairs light on, just so there was some light coming into the bedroom – whereas now I do everything I can to stop light getting in.

But I slept pretty well, actually. I did have quite a late night – I had to stay up until gone 11.30pm, as No3 son needed a lift to school – he was heading off on a school trip to Alton Towers – and I ended up picking up three of his friends too, to take them all up. I’ve offered to fetch them all tonight, when they get in (probably around the same time) – No3 and his best friend have assured me that they will be happy to walk, but I am pretty sure they’ll change their minds after an overnight coach ride to Alton Towers, a day spent on all the rides, and then the equally long coach ride home – and as I have to wait up anyway, because N will be back very late, and will either need picking up from Glasgow central, or from Johnstone, I might as well be the parent who goes and gets the boys.

N’s mum has been admitted to the hospice – hopefully temporarily, whilst she recuperates from injuring her back in a fall. She’s had an x-ray to check that subsequent falls haven’t done any more damage, and that looks OK, so we are hoping that if she is somewhere where she can have 24/7 care, which should mean no more falls, and it should be easier for her to relax – plus she’ll be able to have physio to get the strength back that she’s lost, particularly in her legs, whilst she has been bedbound – then she will get back to a condition where she can either cope at home alone (maybe with her bed moved downstairs), or cope with carers coming in morning and evening.

Checking in with myself – I am feeling pretty good – fairly well rested, no headache, and quite positive – 6/10 all round, I’d say!!

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Ohh I do not like early mornings.

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No3 son needed to be dropped at school early this morning, so I had to get up at 7.30am – which doesn’t look that early, and would be a lie-in for many – but since I have slept so badly over the past few months, now I am sleeping better, I am finding it so hard to get out of bed in the mornings. But I am up, and I’ve got one domestic task that’s been hanging over me for days done – well, half done – so that is positive.

On the downside, I can feel a headache brewing, and I haven’t had any breakfast – I probably only rate 4/10 physically, and 5/10 emotionally – tiredness pulls me down so badly.

I am supposed to be meeting a friend at the weekend, and I know I will enjoy it, but I am slightly dreading the effort involved to get over to Edinburgh, and then find the cafe we are meeting in. I might be a bit kind to myself, and get a cab from the station to the cafe – and then I should have the energy to walk back, and do a bit of browsing and window shopping on the way. There might even be a yarn shop… 🙂

Yay – two days on the trot – go me!

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Yes – a new post, only a day after the last one! A small victory, but a real one.

Irritatingly, I have a headache again today, even though I had a good night’s sleep, and a long lie-in this morning. And I am feeling a bit down – mainly worry about my lovely mother in law, who has had another fall, and really isn’t coping at home. My brother in law is having to help her a lot with personal care, and neither of them are happy with this, and it is pretty clear that, at the moment, she is not safe left at home alone – he was only downstairs when she fell in the bathroom, and when he had to nip out to do run a couple of errands, she tried to turn over in bed, and got stuck diagonally across the bed, unable to sort herself out.

We are waiting to hear from him, to see if she can, and will, go into the hospice for a while, to recuperate from the fractured vertebrae (from an earlier fall) – as we think that is the only realistic way to deal with things.

On other things, though, I am feeling a bit more positive – in general a 5/10, maybe even a 6/10, which is a real improvement.

OK – still not doing the daily posts – but having some victories too!

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To start with, I have to say that I feel pretty dreadful – I had a late night last night, slept badly, and then was woken at 7.30am by No3 son, who needed to be driven round his paper round, if he was to do it and still get to school on time. I did briefly consider telling him to ring the paper shop and tell them he was ill, but defeated this base impulse and got up. So, on the plus side, my day has started much sooner than I had intended, and much less languidly – but on the minus side, I do feel as if someone has smacked me on the back of the head with a brick, and am not entirely sure that I will manage to stay awake for the morning!

However, despite feeling fairly low, I have achieved something this morning – well, two somethings, actually. The first is a little one – I have had a play in the garden with one of the dogs, which was fun, and got me a few moments of fresh air. The second is that I have sorted out the insurance company consent form, so they can ask the hospital for a report on my progress, with a view to authorising more therapy. This has been sitting on the desk for over a week, waiting for me to tackle it, and I was avoiding it because there were two bits on it that I didn’t have the information for – but today I rang the insurers and asked them for help with it – and not only did they give me that help, but also told me I could scan the form in and email it (or even photograph it with the iPad and send it that way) – which I have done, tout de suite!

I am giving some consideration to a bit of domestic action – making the bolognese for tonight’s supper, and then giving the kitchen work surfaces a much-needed wipe down, before lunch. Both the wiping of the surfaces and vacuuming the downstairs floors need doing fairly urgently – but I don’t think I am up to the vacuuming today, so the hall floor will have to stay grimy until I do feel more energised and motivated.

I got quite upset at choir last night – I had a chat with the conductor and the committee chair, to explain that, because of my mother-in-law’s condition, I might have to drop everything and vanish southwards (perhaps to care for her whilst she recuperates from damaging some of her vertebrae in a fall, or maybe for end-of-life care and a funeral) – and all of a sudden, I found myself getting really tearful. I think I have been concentrating on staying strong for N and the boys, and all of a sudden it got to me. I got a lovely hug from the committee chair, and felt so supported and cared-for.

Choir is hard work, and I sometimes wonder if I should resign, but I know that that would be a really bad move. For a start, the challenge is good for me – learning the music, mastering the performances – just the challenge of getting myself out of the house each week to rehearse is good for me. And I have friends there – lovely people who bring something to my life (and I hope I do the same for them), so I know that pushing past the tiredness and lack of motivation is not only a good thing, I actually think it is pretty vital. If I dropped it, there would only be one thing I regularly went outside the house for – the knitting group – and I know it would be very very unwise for me to let myself get more house-bound.

But it is good that I can see the downsides of dropping choir, and have the strength to acknowledge them and to carry on, and push past the things that might push me to resign.

Failing at the daily posts…

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To be honest, since my last post, I have just focused on surviving to the referendum. I avoided the News and flicked past the reporting of the campaign in the paper, blocked several people’s news feeds on FB, and made sure I got some sleep by taking over-the-counter sleeping tablets every night. And it worked – I felt less stressed and anxious.

We sat up and watched all the results come in, up to the point where it was certain that No had won – at 6.09am. We hadn’t intended to, but stayed up to watch the early results come in, and got hooked – it was very confusing for the dogs – we did the bedtime routine of last wees, and a biscuit, but then didn’t actually go to bed – and No2 dog got to spend the night between us on the couch, which has been her dream as long as she’s lived here. No1 dog was very perplexed when the next time we got up from the couch, it was her breakfast time!

I hope that things get back to normal fairly soon. But I am already pretty sick of seeing people banging on about how we only voted No because of bullying and fear – of course it is completely impossible that people voted No based on careful consideration of the facts and promises being made by both sides. I am seriously considering hiding some people’s newsfeeds again, because I am getting so anxious and upset by what’s being said. But on the positive side, I am feeling more able to stick up for myself and state my opinions to people.

I saw my therapist last Tuesday, and one thing I need to do is to write out the email I didn’t write and send to the knitting group – the one that says how I really felt about what went on. I don’t feel up to doing that right now, but am making a note of it here so I remember.

I am feeling pretty crap today – headache (lack of sleep and an early start) and depressed. Part of why I am feeling down is that I left No1 son at Glasgow Central today, with N, and all his bags and baggage, because he is off southwards for the start of the new term – and because someone came up the ramp, I had to leave without a hug from him.

What I really need is to take myself out for the day, away from FB, and the nonsense on there – but I feel too crap to do that. Barely a 3/10 physically and 4/10 emotionally. And I don’t know what will make me feel better – I have sweets, chocolate, crochet, and crap to watch on tv, but I am not sure that will be any good for me, apart from the crochet.

OK…

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I was very down when I posted my last entry. To be honest, I am still pretty depressed – I am going to ring the insurers to find out what I will need to do, in order to get more therapy sessions authorised.

I am sleeping a bit better, at least – I feel like I am sleeping more deeply, though I still take too long to drop off, and wake up earlier than I would like. But it is an improvement, and I am glad of it.

Emotionally, I am probably a 3/10, maybe a 4/10. And what I need, in order for my mood to improve is entirely outwith my control – because it is a NO vote in the referendum – or at the very least, knowing that Scotland has voted Yes – at least then, we know what is happening, and can start dealing with the consequences. I just can’t wait for next Friday (or Saturday, depending on how long the count takes), so that we have some resolution to this whole thing.

I am quite fearful that some of the Yes campaigners will be really angry with those of us they know voted No, if No wins – I think it could get really ugly. Most of my friends are No voters, but I do know one group of really committed Yes voters. I did ask, in a general way on FB, how people were going to cope after the result, given that either way, a substantial minority of the population are going to feel truly hurt, whatever the result – if Yes, then people like me are going to feel our nation is being ripped apart, and our views have been ignored, and if No wins, then the pro-independence people are going to feel they are being forced to remain part of something they dislike intensely. Either way, I don’t see how that can end well. One of my Yes friends said something along the lines of us all having to move forward into a brave new world – but I am pretty sure she is convinced Yes will win, and that it’s the No voters who will have to do the adapting and moving forward – I am not at all sure how she will feel about adapting and moving forward if there is a No vote. I think that might stick in some craws, for sure.

Anyhow, I do feel better – a bit – and I am going to put on my Big Girl Pants, and phone the insurers (I am very bad at doing stuff like this – even a simple phone call can seem like a logistical nightmare, and I am very good at avoiding these things for far too long).

Aaaand – back down we go!

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It has been a crap weekend – I haven’t slept well, and have even had a nightmare about the bloody Independence referendum. I am so stressed about the whole thing – what happens if there is a yes vote – will we have to leave Scotland, will our house’s value plummet, what about No3 son’s Uni fees, etc etc, and if there is a No vote, will there be a backlash from the Yes campaigners against those of us who have denied them their independence?

Every news story, every FB status update on the campaign, every article I see makes me sick in the pit of my stomach. And I can feel myself getting depressed again – I am headed back down into the dark place. I am going to ring the insurance company tomorrow, to find out what they will need from me and from the therapist, in order to be able to authorise more therapy sessions, because the way I am feeling now, there is no way I am ready to stop therapy. I just hope they say yes. If they don’t, I think I will have to go back on antidepressants, and I am not keen to do that.

I know we have had a stressful couple of months – the Commonwealth games, with sons coming in late from volunteering/working at the games, followed by the visit of my terminally ill mother in law, which was stressful in its own way, even though it was lovely to see her and spend time with her, then the visit of my father in law, which nearly brought me to my knees, dealing with shouting at him so he could hear, and listening to his interminable lectures on Penzance’s supermarkets or how he makes his bloody porridge. Then last week’s visit from my friend was stressful too, because she is such a live wire, and I just don’t have the energy to cope, these days – and whilst painting the kitchen was a great thing to get done, and it looks really good, it nearly finished me off – I could barely move that evening, and the next day, I was still stiff – and the tiredness hasn’t gone away.

I just wish I could take a load of sleeping tablets and wake up in a week. Maybe then I’d feel I’d caught up.