To start with, I have to say that I feel pretty dreadful – I had a late night last night, slept badly, and then was woken at 7.30am by No3 son, who needed to be driven round his paper round, if he was to do it and still get to school on time. I did briefly consider telling him to ring the paper shop and tell them he was ill, but defeated this base impulse and got up. So, on the plus side, my day has started much sooner than I had intended, and much less languidly – but on the minus side, I do feel as if someone has smacked me on the back of the head with a brick, and am not entirely sure that I will manage to stay awake for the morning!
However, despite feeling fairly low, I have achieved something this morning – well, two somethings, actually. The first is a little one – I have had a play in the garden with one of the dogs, which was fun, and got me a few moments of fresh air. The second is that I have sorted out the insurance company consent form, so they can ask the hospital for a report on my progress, with a view to authorising more therapy. This has been sitting on the desk for over a week, waiting for me to tackle it, and I was avoiding it because there were two bits on it that I didn’t have the information for – but today I rang the insurers and asked them for help with it – and not only did they give me that help, but also told me I could scan the form in and email it (or even photograph it with the iPad and send it that way) – which I have done, tout de suite!
I am giving some consideration to a bit of domestic action – making the bolognese for tonight’s supper, and then giving the kitchen work surfaces a much-needed wipe down, before lunch. Both the wiping of the surfaces and vacuuming the downstairs floors need doing fairly urgently – but I don’t think I am up to the vacuuming today, so the hall floor will have to stay grimy until I do feel more energised and motivated.
I got quite upset at choir last night – I had a chat with the conductor and the committee chair, to explain that, because of my mother-in-law’s condition, I might have to drop everything and vanish southwards (perhaps to care for her whilst she recuperates from damaging some of her vertebrae in a fall, or maybe for end-of-life care and a funeral) – and all of a sudden, I found myself getting really tearful. I think I have been concentrating on staying strong for N and the boys, and all of a sudden it got to me. I got a lovely hug from the committee chair, and felt so supported and cared-for.
Choir is hard work, and I sometimes wonder if I should resign, but I know that that would be a really bad move. For a start, the challenge is good for me – learning the music, mastering the performances – just the challenge of getting myself out of the house each week to rehearse is good for me. And I have friends there – lovely people who bring something to my life (and I hope I do the same for them), so I know that pushing past the tiredness and lack of motivation is not only a good thing, I actually think it is pretty vital. If I dropped it, there would only be one thing I regularly went outside the house for – the knitting group – and I know it would be very very unwise for me to let myself get more house-bound.
But it is good that I can see the downsides of dropping choir, and have the strength to acknowledge them and to carry on, and push past the things that might push me to resign.