Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

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Doctor’s this morning – and my blood sugar was high – in the clinical level for diagnosing type 2 diabetes. Second blood test to come next week, but even if that is sub-clinical, I am still in the high risk catagory, and they would want to start, quote, ‘aggressively’ tackling the issue.

I am in bits here. I knew it was always on the cards, because I am so obese – but I have tried and failed so many times to lose the weight – and with everything else going on at the moment, I don’t know if I can cope with even one more issue. And I don’t think I have the strength of will and self control needed to get my diet under control – because this will mean no more little, gradual changes, but big, swingeing ones – and I know, from past experience, that I can manage those for a short time, but then I fail, big-time.

There is a nagging thought at the back of my mind that maybe it would be better if my blood got so full of sugar that I had a stroke – one huge, fatal stroke. And the thought of an overdose did come into my head as I drove up to the house – but poor N and the boys have enough shit going on – the last thing they need is for me to do that to them. So a fleeting thought is all it can or will be, at the moment.

I have another blood test scheduled for next Tuesday – if that is clinical for diabetes, then the diagnosis is made, and yet another level of shit is added to life – not that I think I will be able to do much about it just yet. I was talking to N, just now, and he thinks we get through the things that are on our plates now – his mum, the dog’s surgery, and Christmas, and then we see where we go from there.

I do know that there are things I can do – and that it wouldn’t be too difficult to reduce the amount of sugar in my daily diet – I can cut out or cut down the obvious things – fruit juice, sugary drinks, sugar on cereal, jams etc – maybe that will be enough initially – along with the Metformin.

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Welcome to a cold, grey day in Scotland.

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Yesterday was surprisingly good, weather-wise, despite the effects of former Hurricane Gonzalo. It was very windy, driving into Glasgow for therapy, and back, but at the same time we had a lot of sunshine – which was lovely to see (when one didn’t have to be outside in the wind and rain, of course).

Today is not so good – grey and wet and mizzly – and pretty chilly too.

For the first time in a while, I am alone in the house, apart from the dogs. N is down in London, and will be heading south from there to visit his mum who is still in the hospice, but deteriorating quite fast. The doctor looking after her told N, on Friday, that if she were to come in a fortnight hence to be told my mother in law had passed away in her sleep, she would not be surprised. To be honest, this is the sort of timeframe we were feeling was the case.

I went down to see her last Saturday – No2 son and I flew down on the 6.45am flight to Gatwick, then got the train to Clapham Junction, and changed there for Basingstoke, meeting No1 son (who is on crutches because he has dislocated his knee) – and we all met up with my brother in law at Southampton, and went out to the hospice.

It was actually a very positive visit – lots of laughter and do-you-remembers, and I think she enjoyed the visit. We took my brother in law out for a meal afterwards, then headed back to London and Heathrow, for an evening flight home – it was an incredibly long day, and given my weight and the fact that I have a gammy ankle at the moment, it was utterly knackering, but I am glad I did it – it was the right thing to do.

I am almost at the end of my therapy – one more session to go – and I am feeling very positive about my ability to carry on with the work I have been doing, and my recovery, when I am released back into the community! I did try to take N through a session of mindful breathing and meditation – but he fell asleep half way through! Still – I guess that was what he needed!

I am only going to be able to post here fairly sporadically, in the next few weeks, I suspect – we don’t know when my mother in law will pass on, or how long it will take to organise the funeral, but what with that, and the complications of doing it all from such a distance away, I may not be able to find the time (or, indeed the emotional energy) to post on here very often.

But once this is all past, and once the therapy is over, I am intending to post at least weekly. I am compiling a list of the things in my life that would be green lights (ie. everything is going well with me), amber lights (warnings that my mood might be slipping – with action points attached, so if I spot them, I have some sort of plan in place to arrest the slip) and red lights (signs that I am depressed again, and need to take urgent action). I want to check in each week, and assess myself using the traffic lights, and also maybe by doing the Core 10 form that I have done each session with my therapist, so I can track the numbers as a more objective measure of my mood state.

Lentil soup.

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I am feeling pretty positive today – I had a fairly good night’s sleep – despite being woken by N’s alarm at 4am, because he is heading off southwards to visit his mum, and to deliver a long, waterproof coat and a rucksack to No1 son, who is on crutches after dislocating his kneecap doing lunges! I knew exercise was bad for you! 😉

Anyhow – N is heading for the hospice, No 3 son is off playing hockey, and I am home alone, so I am making home made lentil and bacon soup for my lunch – it is smelling rather nice.

I have exercised some commonsense today – I got involved in a FB thread, started by some idiot with a conspiracy theory about the Government not letting cancer be cured. I can’t hide the thread, so I have left the group – I am not going to convince him either that he is wrong (an many others have tried to debunk his theory with some actual facts) or that it is wrong to use such an emotive subject as a topic for debate, just for fun – so I have left the group and am putting thoughts of that thread aside – it is not worth giving him head space.

I am hoping for an afternoon of TV and crochet, after I have had my lovely soup – and because I am going to be on my own tonight (No 3 son is working), I am going to have chinese takeaway for my supper – won ton soup, cantonese style sweet and sour pork, noodles and fried rice. And there should be enough left for tomorrow’s lunch too!

A pyjama day – but still productive.

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I am having a somewhat lazy day today. I was up early-ish this morning, because N rang me just before 8am, and then again 10 minutes later – so I got up. But I haven’t got dressed yet – am still in my nightshirt and lovely, fluffy dressing gown – first time this autumn that it has been cold enough for me to need it! However, since getting up, I have folded all the washing from the tumble dryer, washed the mattress from No2 dog’s bed, and that’s now dry and back in her basket, and the duvet that is folded over to make her bed even more snuggly has been through the washing machine and is drying now. That means that, over the past two days, I have laundered all the bedding and mattresses from both dogs’ beds, and all the spare fleeces too – so the hall will not smell quite as ‘doggy’ as it did before.

I have also been trying to reason with a friend on FB who has a theory that depression is caused by people having too high expectations, and being all ‘poor me’ when they don’t get the material things they think they deserve. I have tried to explain about depression, and about how damaging what he is saying is – but to no avail, so I said I was leaving the thread and thought I should leave his group too. Stupidly, I am now a bit hurt that he has just removed me from the group without so much as a sorry. But I am focusing on my breathing, and on moving forward, not on that small issue.

I am giving some consideration to going and getting dressed – and maybe even to hoovering. The house is awash with dog hair, and it is bugging the hell out of me. It has almost reached the stage where I will be forced to act – that day cannot be far away! Maybe it will even be today! I watched Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners last night – and went upstairs and cleaned my filthy window ledge, and cleaned the loo too.

Ohh lordy!

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I knew I had missed a few days – I didn’t realise how many it actually was!

I had to go to the GP this morning – I told him about the dizzy/light headed spells I have been having, as well as the fast pulse, constipation, tiredness and peripheral neuropathy – and that I wondered if it could be B12 deficiency. As I suspected, he wants to test my blood sugar again – it seems as if the medics can’t see a fat person without assuming that their No1 problem will be type 2 diabetes – and if they don’t have it yet, you just have to keep on testing, because they are BOUND to get it sooner or later. So far they have been wrong, and I hope they will be this time. He did also agree to test B12, kidney and liver function, FBC, and thyroid function (both TS3/4 and TSH) so it is worth doing. As my mum has hypothyroidism, and I have a number of the symptoms (dry skin, thinning hair, tiredness, loss of mental acuity and depression) I have always wondered if I am developing it too.

However, all that aside, things are going pretty well. I had contacted my insurers to discuss extending my therapy, and had done what needed to be done to set the wheels in motion – but when I saw my therapist last week, we decided that I actually don’t need any more than the current sessions, and it would be better to keep the extra sessions in reserve in case I need them at a later date. So the next session will be the last full session of therapy, because the final one is partly a round-up and paperwork session. I feel pretty positive about this.

My homework for the fortnight is to write out the tools and techniques that I have found particularly helpful in tackling my depression – things like mindful breathing, doing a body survey, learning to focus on the here-and-now, and to acknowledge intrusive thoughts before going back to the mindful breathing/body survey/whatever. Also being kind to myself – reframing harsh or unkind thoughts that I have about myself and my activities/person/health/etc into kind thoughts. Then there was visualising the depression as a weight in the bottom of my skull – a weight that I could visualise getting lighter and lighter. Mindful eating has also been somewhat useful, though it is something that requires more practice to become more effective.

I was worried last night…

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It was the first time I had been completely alone in the house in ages – I can’t remember the last time. And I was a bit concerned that I would sleep badly – I always used to struggle if N was away over night, when the boys were little – I lay awake listening to every noise, and even used to leave the downstairs light on, just so there was some light coming into the bedroom – whereas now I do everything I can to stop light getting in.

But I slept pretty well, actually. I did have quite a late night – I had to stay up until gone 11.30pm, as No3 son needed a lift to school – he was heading off on a school trip to Alton Towers – and I ended up picking up three of his friends too, to take them all up. I’ve offered to fetch them all tonight, when they get in (probably around the same time) – No3 and his best friend have assured me that they will be happy to walk, but I am pretty sure they’ll change their minds after an overnight coach ride to Alton Towers, a day spent on all the rides, and then the equally long coach ride home – and as I have to wait up anyway, because N will be back very late, and will either need picking up from Glasgow central, or from Johnstone, I might as well be the parent who goes and gets the boys.

N’s mum has been admitted to the hospice – hopefully temporarily, whilst she recuperates from injuring her back in a fall. She’s had an x-ray to check that subsequent falls haven’t done any more damage, and that looks OK, so we are hoping that if she is somewhere where she can have 24/7 care, which should mean no more falls, and it should be easier for her to relax – plus she’ll be able to have physio to get the strength back that she’s lost, particularly in her legs, whilst she has been bedbound – then she will get back to a condition where she can either cope at home alone (maybe with her bed moved downstairs), or cope with carers coming in morning and evening.

Checking in with myself – I am feeling pretty good – fairly well rested, no headache, and quite positive – 6/10 all round, I’d say!!

Ohh I do not like early mornings.

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No3 son needed to be dropped at school early this morning, so I had to get up at 7.30am – which doesn’t look that early, and would be a lie-in for many – but since I have slept so badly over the past few months, now I am sleeping better, I am finding it so hard to get out of bed in the mornings. But I am up, and I’ve got one domestic task that’s been hanging over me for days done – well, half done – so that is positive.

On the downside, I can feel a headache brewing, and I haven’t had any breakfast – I probably only rate 4/10 physically, and 5/10 emotionally – tiredness pulls me down so badly.

I am supposed to be meeting a friend at the weekend, and I know I will enjoy it, but I am slightly dreading the effort involved to get over to Edinburgh, and then find the cafe we are meeting in. I might be a bit kind to myself, and get a cab from the station to the cafe – and then I should have the energy to walk back, and do a bit of browsing and window shopping on the way. There might even be a yarn shop… 🙂